so I have this problem...

...but before I explain, let me admonish one and all that this blogpost probably won't be applicable to many of you, and even fewer of you will care. It kind of goes against everything I usually represent cause I'm not usually a girly girl, so grant me this moment.

Anyway, the problem is called, "I lack the ability to express my own emotions because I want to use other people's waxing, poetic lyrics or words." Sounds complicated, huh? It's a serious condition. And it is one with which I have been suffering for years now. I mean, really. I can find lyrics or quotes that apply to every situation in my life and I'm both a little impressed and a little depressed. It is both a virtue and a vice.

Even now, as I sit here writing this, my mind is full of ramblings from movies and songs that are perfect for this scenario. For example, "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" This quote comes from no other than You've Got Mail, one of my favorite movies that I can quote at the drop of a hat; except, for me, it's so much of what I hear in songs. Or another example: the lyrics from 3x5 by John Mayer, "maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words." I'm always in the mood to lose my way with words...just not my own.

Every night before I go to bed, I search for 30 minutes for lyrics to tweet. Really? 30 minutes? That is pitiful, Mary Kate. No matter what is going on in my life; single or in a relationship, happy or sad. But, once I find those perfect lyrics or that ideal quote that explains how I feel to a tee, I feel so accomplished. This is probably pitiful too, but at least I admit it, right?

I guess I decided to write this blog when I was talking with my best friend the other day and said this to him: "I'm tired of living life through someone else's words. I need someone to direct my own at...directly." I'm all about support of women's rights, and equal opportunities for women, and men and women being equal in relationships, but this, in no way, lessens my desire to be with some (preppy beyond belief, funny, slightly badass) guy. Call me silly if you want, I don't care...I'm just being real.

Thank you for listening to me be a stereotypical girl. This will happen again in a few months. And so until then, to end this post, I will quote Jason Mraz in "You and I"..."well I'm almost finally, finally out of words..."

do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly

As I sit here, warm and comfortable in my bed in an apartment I can pay for with (relative) ease, with a kitchen stocked full of food, I can't help but to be grateful. My mind drifts and I think about the millions of people around this world who have never known this comfort that I feel. The title of this update comes from the ever popular Micah 6:8. The full verse is this:

He has told you, O mortal, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?

Doing what is good and doing what the Lord requires. If these aren't two very good goals to strive to attain, I don't know what is. I know I am not always the best at these three principles, but I can't help but imagine how much better our world would be if we all tried just a little harder.

Since coming to Atlanta, social justice has become not only a prevalent topic of conversation in the classroom/among my peers, but also in my own life. If you've read any of my posts, you've read some of my frustrations with wanting to be able to do more and further God's kingdom...and how do I do that? Well maybe all it takes is a little doing of justice, loving of kindness, and walking in humility with a God that is more just, loving, and powerful than I dare try to express.

I realize living out this verse is much easier said than done. For some, that may mean they don't necessarily believe in "social justice"...but for me, it means I don't feel capable. But here is what I do know: I know that oppression is one of the nastiest afflictions our world faces; I know that any type of inequality is a type of injustice; I know that God created all people; and I also know God loves all people...so how dare we not follow suit? Until someone proves to me that there is reason to do otherwise, I will love, fight, and stand up for the oppressed. Because, as Desmond Tutu says, "if you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor" and I refuse to be considered someone who prevents another human being, another creation of God, from feeling loved and cared for.

Wonderful God of all (black, white, male, female, gay, straight, young, old, tall, short) creation, Enable me to further justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with you. It is not always easy, but I thank you for that. Enable those, too, who are oppressed. Strengthen them to hold on long enough to see love...if not from the entire world, at least from one person. Amen.

Nations proclaim him their Lord and their Savior, but Mary will hold him and sing him to sleep...

"This is the irrational season, when love blooms bright and wild.

Had Mary been filled with reason, there'd have been no room for the child."

-Madeline L'Engle

In my opinion, this is one of the most beautifully eloquent and true statements that summarizes the Christmas season. Think about it. What if Mary had just said, "No. That's ridiculous, Gabe. I just don't think I have time to harbor and bear the savior of the world, but thanks for the offer!" Of course, she, like any normal human, was astounded and confused but eventually, she consented and said, (and I know this line very well...I played Mary in the Nativity Story at church for like 5 years growing up) "Be it unto me according to thy word."

Be it unto me according to thy word. Another translation offers this wording: "may it be done to me according to your word." Yet another example of giving up control. How much more blatant could this theme possibly be in my life? And how grateful I am that it is during advent that I am learning this. Advent: the time of anticipation for the coming of Christ the child...of waiting for the God incarnate baby...the days in which Christians everywhere sit, wait, and prepare. So, that's what I should do.

Sometimes I am too filled with reason. I don't leave room for God...I don't leave room for the child. For now, I should embrace irrationality. Like Mary, maybe I should throw caution to the wind. I hope I can learn to wait...with patience. Not with anxiety or frustration...but with baited breath and excitement. I pray for this not just during this season of the liturgical calandar specifically revolving around anticipation, but I pray for this every day. I hope I will seek this as sincerely on June 15th as much as I do today, December 5th (after all, Jesus wasn't actually born in December anyway.)

God, teach me to wait patiently for your arrival...today and every day. Show me how to embrace the irrationality of this season and of your love. Allow me to make room for your son...Christ our redeemer who sleeps on the hay in a dirty, lowly manger. Amen.

Life is full of unpredictability and change. The worst part about this? No one can control it. I realize this is a common theme in my blogs. But I think this may be the first time I've actually admitted that I cannot be in control all the time. And this is also one time that I have never felt so out of control.

Sure, there are things I can control. I can control my grades in my efforts to do work. I can control my sleep patterns and the cleanliness of my apartment. But there are many things I cannot control. I cannot control injustice in the world. I cannot control my desire for love in my life. I cannot control the actions of people in my life that have a dramatic impact on my life. And each one of these leaves me turning back to unpredictability and change.

Over the past two weeks, various aspects of my life have been turned upside down, shaken around, and turned into more unpredictability and change than I have ever experienced. But through all of it, God has been faithful. God has put people in my life who have offered hugs, smiles, and words of encouragement. But it has also made me realize that it is okay to be upset and angry. Maybe going through tough times...unpredictability and change as the case may be...can bring us closer to God. I don't say this to mean that it is okay to hate God and turn away from God forever, but I do mean that working through difficulty and anger and sadness and fear can bring us into the presence of God in a way that any other everyday activities can't. I feel that God can reveal Godself to us through hurt and sadness and pain just as well as God can through joy and excitement and happiness.

Christianity encourages us to focus on the positive and to view God as the God who resurrects. And yes, I realize that the resurrection is the point of Christianity...but let us not forget the betrayal, and fear, and tears of blood...not to mention the cross. Jesus made pain and fear real and proved his humanity more in the garden than anywhere else. So we are okay doing the same...as long as we remember the promise of resurrection and salvation on the other side.

In this hour of doubt I see/Who I am is not just me/

So give me strength to die myself/So love can live to tell the tale.

I don't mean for this to sound morbid and depressing. I hope that if you're reading this, nothing unpredictable is going on in your life that is causing upheaval...but if it is, I hope you can find comfort in the providence of our Creator God. The God who is with us in good times and in bad...and who may even be revealed incredibly clearly in those bad times. Peace be with you, dear friends. Peace be with us all.

Good Grief...

It has been entirely too long since I've updated this. This one might be a doozy.

So, years ago, we used to start out our youth council meetings with 3 questions.

1) How have you pleased God today?

2) How have you displeased God today?

3) How is your soul?

My answers today are as follows:

1) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

2) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

3) Confused, anxious, frustrated, excited, hopeful, lonely.

I realize that number 3 is really just a huge conglomeration of emotions...but that is how my soul is. That is the whole truth. The past few weeks in our spiritual formation class, we've been talking about our personality types. My Myers Briggs is an ESTJ, and it freaks me out how true it is (This is a pretty good description of my personality type: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ESTJ.html). But sometimes I don't want to be an ESTJ. I want to be able to feel things and be emotional about decisions. Sometimes, I want to be able to think and act with my heart rather than my head. In sitting here, typing this, I'm realizing that even my thoughts concerning this entry reflect the fact that my head leads my life.

My roommate talks about how she put off going to seminary for a long time because she didn't want to graduate feeling cynical about Christianity. I am a natural born cynic. I don't want to be. I think my cynicism has taken a toll my relationship with God and that frustrates me. I wish I had something I could blame this on, but really, I am the only reason. It's just how I think and how I react to things.

I always say, "I want to be better about praying and reading my bible and strengthening my relationship with God", but I have no idea how. I have to be told what to do and how to do it. I need step-by-step instructions. I'm too impatient and too extroverted to sit in my room in silence and read my bible. So how do I get personal spiritual nourishment? This is a battle I've been fighting for years now. And it frustrates me more than I can describe.

I want this to be my theme song:

"In your ocean I’m ankle deep

I feel the waves crashing on my feet

It’s like I know where I need to be I can’t figure out

No, I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe

When your wave crashes over me

There’s only one way to figure out

Will you let me drown"

Yes, I realize I am asking to drown. Yes, I realize I have severe control issues. Yes, I want to give that up. I sat on my bed this morning, crying, because this is what I need. SO HOW DO I MAKE IT HAPPEN?! I don't know. I secede. I apologize for how serious this blog is.

Loving and Understanding God, please soften my heart. Take away my cynicism. Help me give up control. It hasn't gotten me anywhere except to a point of exhaustion. Please, God, consume me and strengthen me in your will. Amen.

a whole new world...

No, this isn't in reference to the song made famous by Aladdin and Jasmine, it is in reference to my whole new world. Since my last blog, I've moved to Atlanta and have begun my studies as a graduate student. Saying goodbye to home was hard. I told Chris goodbye 3 times. I cried really hard when my parents left...and cried, in fact, every day for 4 days (but, I warned you about that one - see my post from June 2...ha!).

At first, I was very skeptical about life in Atlanta. I grew up in Hickory (population of 41,000+) and moved to Mars Hill (population of 1,800+)...and here I am in Atlanta (population of half a million+). Half a million people?! But here's what I didn't realize...how cute the part of town would be where I'm living! It's on the outskirts of Atlanta...so it's essentially it's own little city. And reminds me a lot of Hickory. Every night, crickets lull me to sleep outside my window, and during the day, giant oak and pine trees cool our patio. It's beautiful. I've made incredible friends. My roommate is wonderful. I love my classes. God is good.

I feel it necessary to talk about the peace I've experienced. Even when my parents left, I was sad (obviously), but I knew that this is where I'm supposed to be. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. God has shown me so many fabulous things since I've moved down here. I've found a church family who loves me. I've found friends who are like me. I have interest in every one of my classes. I have peace. And I thank God for that. And I can't wait to see what else God has in store.

Denominational Dichotomy

The title of this blog post sounds very negative and it is not at all intended to be. For the last year or so I've been struggling with this one topic I'm about to discuss and it has really come into light the past few days. Let me provide some exposition:

For those of you who may not know, I was raised Baptist. As far as "baptist-dom" goes, the church in which I was raised is pretty liberal. You know, supporting women in ministry, encouraging individual interpretation of the bible, etc. A great experience, overall...for the first 17 years of my life. Well, while in college, I was a scholarship recipient to sing in the choir in a Methodist church. I loved this church, I still do. The monthly check became more of a bonus than a payment for work.

Now, Baptists and Methodists have different ideology , obviously (i.e. baptism, confirmation, hierarchy in the church). I think it is also safe to say that Methodists are renown for their welcoming, accepting attitude toward everyone. After all, their slogan is: "Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors." This is not to say that Baptists have closed hearts, closed minds, and closed doors (although, sadly, some of them do)...but they are not as excited about exclaiming it. The slogan of the Baptist church in which I was raised is, "Sunday...it's just the beginning." Clever. But doesn't exactly scream, "Come on in, we love the gays!"

Now, let me get on with the dichotomous nature to which the title speaks. The following 3 statements are each contributing to my confusion in their own way:

1. "In my personal theology, the only people who won't be in heaven are the ones who don't want to be." - Pastor Susan Pilsbury-Taylor (Minister at Biltmore United Methodist Church)

2. "Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me' (John 14:6). He didn't say that it was by believing or doing anything in particular that you could 'come to the Father.' He said that it was only by him--by living, participating in, being caught up by, the way of life that he embodied, that was his way. Thus is it possible to be on Christ's way and with his mark upon you without ever having heard of Christ, and for that reason to be on your way to God though maybe you don't even believe in God. A Christian is one who is on the way, though not necessarily far along it, and who has at least some dim and half-baked idea of whom to thank." - Frederick Buechner (Theologian)

3. "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' " - John 14:6 (NRSV)

And there is the conundrum. Who is right? And, really...why does someone have to be right? Do I believe what my Methodist minister stated (which I had already wrestled with before the words came out of her mouth)? Because, when it comes down to it, I believe that God created everyone and loves everyone...so how does he prevent people from entering eternal bliss? Unless, like Suze says, they just don't want to. I just have a hard time believing God denies perfectly ethical, faithful Jews (and to be honest, Muslims, Buddhists, etc....God made them too, ya know) access to Heaven.

Does anyone have answers? Probably not. But if you do, please feel free to let me know. Thanks!