Good Grief...

It has been entirely too long since I've updated this. This one might be a doozy.

So, years ago, we used to start out our youth council meetings with 3 questions.

1) How have you pleased God today?

2) How have you displeased God today?

3) How is your soul?

My answers today are as follows:

1) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

2) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

3) Confused, anxious, frustrated, excited, hopeful, lonely.

I realize that number 3 is really just a huge conglomeration of emotions...but that is how my soul is. That is the whole truth. The past few weeks in our spiritual formation class, we've been talking about our personality types. My Myers Briggs is an ESTJ, and it freaks me out how true it is (This is a pretty good description of my personality type: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ESTJ.html). But sometimes I don't want to be an ESTJ. I want to be able to feel things and be emotional about decisions. Sometimes, I want to be able to think and act with my heart rather than my head. In sitting here, typing this, I'm realizing that even my thoughts concerning this entry reflect the fact that my head leads my life.

My roommate talks about how she put off going to seminary for a long time because she didn't want to graduate feeling cynical about Christianity. I am a natural born cynic. I don't want to be. I think my cynicism has taken a toll my relationship with God and that frustrates me. I wish I had something I could blame this on, but really, I am the only reason. It's just how I think and how I react to things.

I always say, "I want to be better about praying and reading my bible and strengthening my relationship with God", but I have no idea how. I have to be told what to do and how to do it. I need step-by-step instructions. I'm too impatient and too extroverted to sit in my room in silence and read my bible. So how do I get personal spiritual nourishment? This is a battle I've been fighting for years now. And it frustrates me more than I can describe.

I want this to be my theme song:

"In your ocean I’m ankle deep

I feel the waves crashing on my feet

It’s like I know where I need to be I can’t figure out

No, I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe

When your wave crashes over me

There’s only one way to figure out

Will you let me drown"

Yes, I realize I am asking to drown. Yes, I realize I have severe control issues. Yes, I want to give that up. I sat on my bed this morning, crying, because this is what I need. SO HOW DO I MAKE IT HAPPEN?! I don't know. I secede. I apologize for how serious this blog is.

Loving and Understanding God, please soften my heart. Take away my cynicism. Help me give up control. It hasn't gotten me anywhere except to a point of exhaustion. Please, God, consume me and strengthen me in your will. Amen.