The last year and a half in review...

Well friends, I am officially halfway done with seminary. I have learned so much while being at McAfee. Of course, I've studied under biblical scholars and church historians and world renowned preachers and will never underestimate the importance of that. But I've never realized the truth behind the Mark Twain quote, "don't let your schooling get in the way of your education" until seminary.

I have made some incredible friends. As a first year student last year, I gravitated toward the second year students and we immediately bonded. Guys and girls alike - they became my family. In seminary, you don't just battle the drama of friendships (although that definitely still happens too...just because we're called by a higher authority does not mean we're above the drama), but you go through a spiritual journey. You discover yourself in a deeper way than you ever have before. Some days you hate it and feel trapped by your beliefs, some days you're freed and feel better than you've ever felt in your life.

This year, I realized the impending graduation of my now-third-year friends. This made me really sad, but instead of dwelling, I invested in the friendships of the girls in my class...and that has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. They're wonderful. We sit up and laugh and gossip and drink wine just like any other group of twenty-something girls you'll ever meet. But more importantly, we cry and yell and comfort each other too. I'm not sure I'll ever forget the night that Mary (first row on the left) offered to come over and console me at 1 in the morning when I was having a terrible night. She sat there and held me and let me cry and this means more to me than she'll ever know.

[Feel free to quit reading now if you're opposed to sap.]

I also have an amazing boyfriend. I feel so cheesy for talking about it - I'm not really a publicly lovey-dovey kind of girl, but I can't really help it when it comes to him...plus, Rachel posted about her boyfriend (now fiance!!!!) in the same fashion, so I feel like that's permission enough. Anyway, William is wonderful. He's been there for me through everything I've dealt with. And even though our relationship hasn't been the easiest thing to get off the ground, now that it is, I couldn't ask for anything more. He gets me. We have the same sense of humor, we listen to the same kind of music, we are passionate about the same things. It just works. It's in the silly little things...like when he winks at me or sends me text messages that make me laugh just because he knows they will. We can have serious conversations about important things in our lives and then 15 minutes later be talking in goofy accents and laughing hysterically. I like him because he's him and he likes me because I'm me and because of that, there's zero pressure. There's really nothing more to say about it other than repeating myself over and over. He's great, it works, I'm happy, end of story.

So to put it simply, I have loved being at McAfee. My professors are amazing, my friends are wonderful, and I've never felt more at home anywhere else. I truly expect for these people to be in my life for a long time in some capacity or another. I love you all and thank you for the impact you've had on my life. It won't be soon forgotten. Merry Christmas to you all, and I'll see you all in the new year!

what is wrong with me?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I bear my soul. I, as a friend once said, have been an open book all 23 years of my life. So the following information may seem too exposed and personal to you, but for me, it's just another day in the life of Mary Kate.

3 weeks ago, I visited my family doctor. He came into the examining room expecting to talk about my thyroid - the recurring health issue that had been the cause of my last 5 visits - but when he glanced down at my chart and saw what the nurse had scribbled down, he said, "Oh...you're not here for that at all..." I was there to talk about the depression and anxiety I had been experiencing. There were days that I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed. I ate only because I had to, not because I wanted to. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I was not sleeping well at night.

Last November, I received news that my parents would be separating. I have struggled with this fact every day since. It feels weird to say, when I go home, that I'm going to my mom's house. I hate having to schedule time to see my dad. But this is now a part of life and I must adjust.

In July, I accepted a ministry position in a church that was already struggling. I took on lots of responsibility and hoped for the best. I was one of three ministers on staff - all seminary students. I was starting my second year of graduate school and, in addition to the stress of family issues, I could not handle it anymore.

In September, I could take it no more. After personal relationship issues pushed me to the edge, I broke down. I was simply experiencing too much stress.

I sat in the doctor's office that Friday 3 weeks ago and admitted that I need help. I can't do this on my own. I was frustrated that I couldn't help myself. I have always struggled with control issues and this was not helping. I wished I could just grin and bear it. I wished God would just step down and help, but as another doctor told a friend, "that's why God invented medicine."

Before I say this, let me acknowledge that I know it's going to sound twisted. But, some days I am angry that I don't remember having cancer when I was 9 months old. At one of my lowest points, I was weeping on the phone to my mom who so gently said, "I know you don't remember it, but there was a time when you were in a lot more pain than this. But you were strong and you were always happy. You didn't know any other way to be." She said this in an attempt to console me, and now that I'm medicated and feeling a lot better, I can see that. But at the time, I felt guilty. I was sitting there in an apartment that has functioning heat and air, a stocked pantry, and I had a full stomach - and I was complaining about not having an appetite.

My mind drifted to my cancer...how powerless my parents must have felt. "How dare you feel bad right now when they have been through so much." My mind drifted to the millions of people in this world who have nothing...who literally don't know where they will sleep tonight. "How dare you feel bad right now when they are suffering."

Maybe this post is overdramatic. Maybe I'm overanalyzing...as per usual. But what I learned from my experience is this: it is okay to suffer and cry and scream during your darkest most painful days, as long as you remember and try to do something for those whose days are darker.

God, give me opportunities to spread and share the many resources you have generously afforded me. Open the eyes of the world to a better place of more justice and equal opportunity for everyone. Let us live as Jesus lived - allowing us to pray for the cup to pass, but dying for others anyway. Thank you for your love.

my heart is aching, but I can always fake it...

If any of you know me at all, you know that when I'm sad, I turn to the lyrics that comprise the title of this post.

"my heart is aching/but i can always fake it/i am hypocrisy/each and every day..."

But today, I can no longer fake it. I am sick. I am disgusted. And I am angry.

I was born in Hickory, North Carolina in 1988 and I did not leave until I moved to college in 2006. I even went to college in North Carolina, and it was there that I fell in love. Not with a person, but with a region. The mountains of Western North Carolina are indescribably beautiful. Especially this time of year. While sitting on a college campus in Atlanta, GA, I can still close my eyes and see the vibrant yellows, oranges, reds, and greens that are surely pervading the campus of Mars Hill College and I want nothing more than to be there. I want to breathe in the clean, crisp mountain air. I want to sit on the quad with my friends and lay under the blue sky. And as much as I miss it, I feel my home state has betrayed me today. And I am angry.

You want to know what North Carolina thinks?

“Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state.” (Raleigh News & Observer)

What makes me most angry about this statement is that it is the prejudiced, closed-minded leaders in our state Senate that lead the pack. Forget the 57% of North Carolinians who support gay marriage and civil unions.

You know when North Carolina gets to vote on this?

May 12, 2012. The day of the Republican Primaries.

The most ironic part of this is the deterioration of marriage in this country. In 2009, it is reported that there were 36,708 divorces in the state of North Carolina. That's 100.5 divorces every day.

Every day, 100.5 men are leaving their wives. 100.5 women are walking away from their husbands. 100.5 families are being torn apart.

But how dare we let two people, regardless of gender, try to reverse this by proving their love for one another. As my friend Rachel pointed out this is not a religious fight. This is a deeply personal fight for millions of people who are God-loving people. Love is love. Atheists are capable of loving just as passionately as even the most fervent Christians. Who are we to say they are not allowed to do so just because they love someone of the same sex? Regardless of whether or not you "believe homosexuality is a sin," you are denying the basic principle on which this country was founded - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for every single person.

I am a Christian. I go to church every Sunday (because, sadly, this is all it takes to prove to most how "strong" of a Christian I am). But this is not a Christian nation. If God blesses America, so too does God bless Mexico and China and Iran and Libya. We are to uphold the basic rights of our citizens and when we neglect to honor their right to be happy, we neglect what our country is founded on.

To any of my LGBTQ friends who may be reading this, move away from North Carolina. Support another state's local economy for no other reason other than they support you. You are loved somewhere, and I am heartbroken that it is not the state in which I was raised. You deserve better than what North Carolina is offering you.

and a second is like it...

"'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it, 'love your neighbor as yourself.'" -Matthew 22:37-39 (NRSV)

Who is our neighbor? Growing up, Mr. and Mrs. Brown were on one side of my house and Mr. and Mrs. Broom were on the other. This was my naive, elementary understanding of neighbor. They were my neighbors simply because of the location of our houses: 349, 351, and 353 7th Ave Place NW. But now? Who is our neighbor? I guess Mexico and Canada are our geographical neighbors. I have some crazy Eastern Europeans who live across from me in our apartment complex. But who did Jesus mean? I bet he meant gay people, those inflicted with HIV/AIDS and Malaria, those who are homeless, the elderly...are you uncomfortable yet? You mean I have to love them? What if he meant, dare I say it, Osama bin Laden.

Gasp. Please, take a seat if you need to. Jesus knocks us off our feet quite frequently with the things he says. "Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do." These people are screw ups, God...but it's not their fault. Show them your love anyway. And are we not called to be like Jesus? Doesn't "Christian" mean "little Christ"? Put Jesus's words in your mouth and speak them from your own heart. Really. Do it. "Forgive them, Father." Through Christ, we have the power to forgive. What an immense blessing...but too, what a tormenting curse. With this power comes great responsibility - isn't that always the case. Do we really have to forgive everyone? Not only forgive them, but LOVE them.

"Hate the sin, love the sinner." Have you heard that one? It's so catchy. But, in my experience, sin is a part of who we are. If we love the sinner, and don't love (even hate) the sin...isn't there a little part of the sinner themselves that we hate? We must love their whole being - including all their baggages of sin. Do you love yourself? After all, aren't we all sinners? So, we need to forgive (to LOVE) the gay population, the elderly, the children, the homeless...hold on, here we go again, Osama bin Laden.

When I was born, I was not just born into America, I was born into Christianity (literally, it's my last name). It is part of who I am just as much as being an American. Call me unpatriotic, call me blasphemous, call me a terrible American. That's fine. It's all opinion...just like this blog. I still remember September 11th. Admittedly, I was young and stupid and didn't understand its devastation until years later, but this doesn't mean I am not still impacted by it. My heart still aches for those families whose dad's favorite chair still sits empty every night in their dens, for those children who will never get to experience their mother's love, for those siblings who no longer have a brother or sister to call to share exciting news with. But, as a Christian, my heart also breaks for the death of bin Laden. He was a child of God just as much as you and I are.

My charge to us is this: Let's think first about what we're celebrating. Are we celebrating being a step closer to peace (even though one step isn't much compared to thousands of miles)? Or are we celebrating the death of a child of God? Which would Jesus celebrate...think about it.

Meditations on Good Friday

I was up until 4:30 Wednesday night, or I guess Thursday morning, studying for a test I had yesterday. One of the topics we were tested on was the social setting and main theme in Hebrews. The author of this message wrote to these people, many of who were new converts to Christianity, encouraging them not to return to Judaism. As I read the following passage this evening, I want to challenge you to hear it with new ears. Hear it from the perspective of a brand new Christian, struggling to live a completely new way of life:

HEBREWS 10:16-25: ‘This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, says the Lord:
I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds’, 
he also adds,
‘I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.’ 
Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin.

Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh), and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

What peace this message must have brought….but also, what challenge. “Let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith,” the author encourages, but I can’t help but imagine that was probably easier said than done. Easier said than done because it was all so new to these people. It would have been easy to stay a Jew; to follow through with the habits and customs of a lifetime spent practicing that faith. Admittedly, I’m making a few assumptions in stating these claims, but I don’t think they’re too far-fetched. I think if we all really thought about converting from Christianity to Islam or Buddhism, we would probably struggle too.

But isn’t that the theme of tonight? Struggle? It’s easy to read this passage at face value and accept it as an encouragement and hope for a better future with Jesus, but it’s also easy to do that with Good Friday. I’m not trying to discourage us from looking forward to Easter. After all, without Easter (as Frederick Buechner says) there would be no New Testament, no Church, no Christianity. But without Good Friday, we wouldn’t have any contrast to such a miraculous event. It is through Good Friday that we gain a true perspective of Easter Sunday. It is in the struggle, in the pain, and in the trial where we learn to understand what a blessing Easter morning really is.

So, yes, let’s heed the author’s advice in the message to the new Christians: let us have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering. But let us do so with the understanding of struggle. Just as it was hard for these people to accept a new way of life as Christians, so too was it hard for Jesus to forsake his life completely in order to give birth to Christianity through resurrection.

Easter morning, new life, joy, and celebration are just around the corner – and when it comes, let’s rejoice. But let’s pay attention to the struggle tonight.

so I have this problem...

...but before I explain, let me admonish one and all that this blogpost probably won't be applicable to many of you, and even fewer of you will care. It kind of goes against everything I usually represent cause I'm not usually a girly girl, so grant me this moment.

Anyway, the problem is called, "I lack the ability to express my own emotions because I want to use other people's waxing, poetic lyrics or words." Sounds complicated, huh? It's a serious condition. And it is one with which I have been suffering for years now. I mean, really. I can find lyrics or quotes that apply to every situation in my life and I'm both a little impressed and a little depressed. It is both a virtue and a vice.

Even now, as I sit here writing this, my mind is full of ramblings from movies and songs that are perfect for this scenario. For example, "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" This quote comes from no other than You've Got Mail, one of my favorite movies that I can quote at the drop of a hat; except, for me, it's so much of what I hear in songs. Or another example: the lyrics from 3x5 by John Mayer, "maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words." I'm always in the mood to lose my way with words...just not my own.

Every night before I go to bed, I search for 30 minutes for lyrics to tweet. Really? 30 minutes? That is pitiful, Mary Kate. No matter what is going on in my life; single or in a relationship, happy or sad. But, once I find those perfect lyrics or that ideal quote that explains how I feel to a tee, I feel so accomplished. This is probably pitiful too, but at least I admit it, right?

I guess I decided to write this blog when I was talking with my best friend the other day and said this to him: "I'm tired of living life through someone else's words. I need someone to direct my own at...directly." I'm all about support of women's rights, and equal opportunities for women, and men and women being equal in relationships, but this, in no way, lessens my desire to be with some (preppy beyond belief, funny, slightly badass) guy. Call me silly if you want, I don't care...I'm just being real.

Thank you for listening to me be a stereotypical girl. This will happen again in a few months. And so until then, to end this post, I will quote Jason Mraz in "You and I"..."well I'm almost finally, finally out of words..."

do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly

As I sit here, warm and comfortable in my bed in an apartment I can pay for with (relative) ease, with a kitchen stocked full of food, I can't help but to be grateful. My mind drifts and I think about the millions of people around this world who have never known this comfort that I feel. The title of this update comes from the ever popular Micah 6:8. The full verse is this:

He has told you, O mortal, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?

Doing what is good and doing what the Lord requires. If these aren't two very good goals to strive to attain, I don't know what is. I know I am not always the best at these three principles, but I can't help but imagine how much better our world would be if we all tried just a little harder.

Since coming to Atlanta, social justice has become not only a prevalent topic of conversation in the classroom/among my peers, but also in my own life. If you've read any of my posts, you've read some of my frustrations with wanting to be able to do more and further God's kingdom...and how do I do that? Well maybe all it takes is a little doing of justice, loving of kindness, and walking in humility with a God that is more just, loving, and powerful than I dare try to express.

I realize living out this verse is much easier said than done. For some, that may mean they don't necessarily believe in "social justice"...but for me, it means I don't feel capable. But here is what I do know: I know that oppression is one of the nastiest afflictions our world faces; I know that any type of inequality is a type of injustice; I know that God created all people; and I also know God loves all people...so how dare we not follow suit? Until someone proves to me that there is reason to do otherwise, I will love, fight, and stand up for the oppressed. Because, as Desmond Tutu says, "if you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor" and I refuse to be considered someone who prevents another human being, another creation of God, from feeling loved and cared for.

Wonderful God of all (black, white, male, female, gay, straight, young, old, tall, short) creation, Enable me to further justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with you. It is not always easy, but I thank you for that. Enable those, too, who are oppressed. Strengthen them to hold on long enough to see love...if not from the entire world, at least from one person. Amen.