Life is full of unpredictability and change. The worst part about this? No one can control it. I realize this is a common theme in my blogs. But I think this may be the first time I've actually admitted that I cannot be in control all the time. And this is also one time that I have never felt so out of control.

Sure, there are things I can control. I can control my grades in my efforts to do work. I can control my sleep patterns and the cleanliness of my apartment. But there are many things I cannot control. I cannot control injustice in the world. I cannot control my desire for love in my life. I cannot control the actions of people in my life that have a dramatic impact on my life. And each one of these leaves me turning back to unpredictability and change.

Over the past two weeks, various aspects of my life have been turned upside down, shaken around, and turned into more unpredictability and change than I have ever experienced. But through all of it, God has been faithful. God has put people in my life who have offered hugs, smiles, and words of encouragement. But it has also made me realize that it is okay to be upset and angry. Maybe going through tough times...unpredictability and change as the case may be...can bring us closer to God. I don't say this to mean that it is okay to hate God and turn away from God forever, but I do mean that working through difficulty and anger and sadness and fear can bring us into the presence of God in a way that any other everyday activities can't. I feel that God can reveal Godself to us through hurt and sadness and pain just as well as God can through joy and excitement and happiness.

Christianity encourages us to focus on the positive and to view God as the God who resurrects. And yes, I realize that the resurrection is the point of Christianity...but let us not forget the betrayal, and fear, and tears of blood...not to mention the cross. Jesus made pain and fear real and proved his humanity more in the garden than anywhere else. So we are okay doing the same...as long as we remember the promise of resurrection and salvation on the other side.

In this hour of doubt I see/Who I am is not just me/

So give me strength to die myself/So love can live to tell the tale.

I don't mean for this to sound morbid and depressing. I hope that if you're reading this, nothing unpredictable is going on in your life that is causing upheaval...but if it is, I hope you can find comfort in the providence of our Creator God. The God who is with us in good times and in bad...and who may even be revealed incredibly clearly in those bad times. Peace be with you, dear friends. Peace be with us all.

Good Grief...

It has been entirely too long since I've updated this. This one might be a doozy.

So, years ago, we used to start out our youth council meetings with 3 questions.

1) How have you pleased God today?

2) How have you displeased God today?

3) How is your soul?

My answers today are as follows:

1) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

2) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

3) Confused, anxious, frustrated, excited, hopeful, lonely.

I realize that number 3 is really just a huge conglomeration of emotions...but that is how my soul is. That is the whole truth. The past few weeks in our spiritual formation class, we've been talking about our personality types. My Myers Briggs is an ESTJ, and it freaks me out how true it is (This is a pretty good description of my personality type: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ESTJ.html). But sometimes I don't want to be an ESTJ. I want to be able to feel things and be emotional about decisions. Sometimes, I want to be able to think and act with my heart rather than my head. In sitting here, typing this, I'm realizing that even my thoughts concerning this entry reflect the fact that my head leads my life.

My roommate talks about how she put off going to seminary for a long time because she didn't want to graduate feeling cynical about Christianity. I am a natural born cynic. I don't want to be. I think my cynicism has taken a toll my relationship with God and that frustrates me. I wish I had something I could blame this on, but really, I am the only reason. It's just how I think and how I react to things.

I always say, "I want to be better about praying and reading my bible and strengthening my relationship with God", but I have no idea how. I have to be told what to do and how to do it. I need step-by-step instructions. I'm too impatient and too extroverted to sit in my room in silence and read my bible. So how do I get personal spiritual nourishment? This is a battle I've been fighting for years now. And it frustrates me more than I can describe.

I want this to be my theme song:

"In your ocean I’m ankle deep

I feel the waves crashing on my feet

It’s like I know where I need to be I can’t figure out

No, I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe

When your wave crashes over me

There’s only one way to figure out

Will you let me drown"

Yes, I realize I am asking to drown. Yes, I realize I have severe control issues. Yes, I want to give that up. I sat on my bed this morning, crying, because this is what I need. SO HOW DO I MAKE IT HAPPEN?! I don't know. I secede. I apologize for how serious this blog is.

Loving and Understanding God, please soften my heart. Take away my cynicism. Help me give up control. It hasn't gotten me anywhere except to a point of exhaustion. Please, God, consume me and strengthen me in your will. Amen.

a whole new world...

No, this isn't in reference to the song made famous by Aladdin and Jasmine, it is in reference to my whole new world. Since my last blog, I've moved to Atlanta and have begun my studies as a graduate student. Saying goodbye to home was hard. I told Chris goodbye 3 times. I cried really hard when my parents left...and cried, in fact, every day for 4 days (but, I warned you about that one - see my post from June 2...ha!).

At first, I was very skeptical about life in Atlanta. I grew up in Hickory (population of 41,000+) and moved to Mars Hill (population of 1,800+)...and here I am in Atlanta (population of half a million+). Half a million people?! But here's what I didn't realize...how cute the part of town would be where I'm living! It's on the outskirts of Atlanta...so it's essentially it's own little city. And reminds me a lot of Hickory. Every night, crickets lull me to sleep outside my window, and during the day, giant oak and pine trees cool our patio. It's beautiful. I've made incredible friends. My roommate is wonderful. I love my classes. God is good.

I feel it necessary to talk about the peace I've experienced. Even when my parents left, I was sad (obviously), but I knew that this is where I'm supposed to be. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. God has shown me so many fabulous things since I've moved down here. I've found a church family who loves me. I've found friends who are like me. I have interest in every one of my classes. I have peace. And I thank God for that. And I can't wait to see what else God has in store.

Denominational Dichotomy

The title of this blog post sounds very negative and it is not at all intended to be. For the last year or so I've been struggling with this one topic I'm about to discuss and it has really come into light the past few days. Let me provide some exposition:

For those of you who may not know, I was raised Baptist. As far as "baptist-dom" goes, the church in which I was raised is pretty liberal. You know, supporting women in ministry, encouraging individual interpretation of the bible, etc. A great experience, overall...for the first 17 years of my life. Well, while in college, I was a scholarship recipient to sing in the choir in a Methodist church. I loved this church, I still do. The monthly check became more of a bonus than a payment for work.

Now, Baptists and Methodists have different ideology , obviously (i.e. baptism, confirmation, hierarchy in the church). I think it is also safe to say that Methodists are renown for their welcoming, accepting attitude toward everyone. After all, their slogan is: "Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors." This is not to say that Baptists have closed hearts, closed minds, and closed doors (although, sadly, some of them do)...but they are not as excited about exclaiming it. The slogan of the Baptist church in which I was raised is, "Sunday...it's just the beginning." Clever. But doesn't exactly scream, "Come on in, we love the gays!"

Now, let me get on with the dichotomous nature to which the title speaks. The following 3 statements are each contributing to my confusion in their own way:

1. "In my personal theology, the only people who won't be in heaven are the ones who don't want to be." - Pastor Susan Pilsbury-Taylor (Minister at Biltmore United Methodist Church)

2. "Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me' (John 14:6). He didn't say that it was by believing or doing anything in particular that you could 'come to the Father.' He said that it was only by him--by living, participating in, being caught up by, the way of life that he embodied, that was his way. Thus is it possible to be on Christ's way and with his mark upon you without ever having heard of Christ, and for that reason to be on your way to God though maybe you don't even believe in God. A Christian is one who is on the way, though not necessarily far along it, and who has at least some dim and half-baked idea of whom to thank." - Frederick Buechner (Theologian)

3. "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' " - John 14:6 (NRSV)

And there is the conundrum. Who is right? And, really...why does someone have to be right? Do I believe what my Methodist minister stated (which I had already wrestled with before the words came out of her mouth)? Because, when it comes down to it, I believe that God created everyone and loves everyone...so how does he prevent people from entering eternal bliss? Unless, like Suze says, they just don't want to. I just have a hard time believing God denies perfectly ethical, faithful Jews (and to be honest, Muslims, Buddhists, etc....God made them too, ya know) access to Heaven.

Does anyone have answers? Probably not. But if you do, please feel free to let me know. Thanks!

greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in John's Island...

Yes, I realize it's been a month. Yes, I realize the past few haven't been too exciting. And yes, I did it on purpose. Kind of. Okay, actually not at all. But this one promises to be a good update.

Yesterday at this time, I would have been sitting around a small classroom talking, laughing, and spending quality time with 21 ladies, 21 air mattresses, and 21 suitcases packed with a weeks worth of construction and worship clothes. Maybe we would have all been napping, but either way, it would have been quality time. And that was just one room...

We took 151 people to John's Island, SC for our mission trip this past week. We were not supposed to go there. We were supposed to go to Chicago. I remember the day I learned the news. I got a facebook message from Chris and all it said was, "We lost Chicago". My heart sank a little. I was extremely excited about going to Chicago. I accepted it because, as hard as it is for me to admit sometimes, God is in control. John's Island, SC. Where the heck is John's Island, SC?! What is there to do down there?! These are just some of the thoughts that went through my mind. The answers: near Charleston; and...plenty.

The following stories are stories that either I heard from my fellow workers or experienced myself.

Story 1: Mary Brown, double amputee.

Ms. Brown had been on the waiting list for 18 years to have her house, trailer actually, worked on. For 18 years, she had wheeled around her trailer with doorways that were too small for her wheelchair. To use the bathroom, she had to throw herself onto the ground, crawl into the bathroom, and pull herself up to the toilet. This past week, a crew of about 10 people widened her doorway. One afternoon, a group gathered around to witness her roll her wheelchair through the door of the bathroom in her trailer for the first time in 18 years.

Story 2: Robert, 3rd grader.

Robert is a little boy who I did not have very much contact with. He is a 3rd grader who attended the Vacation Bible School. Rebekah was lucky enough to work with him and be his experience with Jesus. One day, I walked into the sanctuary of the church, just passing through, and he was sitting in there talking to her, crying. I asked her if everything was okay, and she said, "He just needs someone to talk to." Robert gets called stupid. Robert does not have any friends. Robert does not go to church. Robert had a prayer request on the last day of VBS, "I want to thank God for Rebekah", he said. Thank God for Rebekah, indeed. God put her there for a reason. Robert saw God in her last week.

St0ry 3: Robert, 7-year-old.

This (different) Robert became my mission for the week. Robert is a precious, precious creation of God who is autistic. The theme of the week for VBS was Camp E.D.G.E. (Experience and Discover God Everywhere) and the mascot was Sparx, a lively fox puppet (puppeteered brilliantly by Hannah). Robert, who had little desire to talk to or be around anyone, loved Sparx. He called him Mr. Fox. Wednesday was a bad day for Robert. He refused to talk to anyone, even Mr. Fox. On Thursday, Robert was a new person. You see, throughout the week, Robert made every single one of his crafts and gave them to Mr. Fox. The only thing he wanted to do on Thursday was give Mr. Fox the necklace I helped Robert put together. Hannah, ever so patiently, agreed to be Mr. Fox one last time for Robert. The look on Robert's face when I told him Mr. Fox was going to wake up from his nap to talk to Robert was as clear an image of God as I have seen in a long time. All Robert wanted to do was give Mr. Fox that necklace. Once this took place, Robert said "Goodnight, Mr. Fox!" And that was it. Robert has a heart of gold that the rest of the world finds hard to understand. But Mr. Fox got it. And Robert did too. That, dear friends, is the face of God.

According to our standards, we were not supposed to go to John's Island, but God knew. God knew, we just couldn't see God's plan until it unfolded. God had a greater plan for us and God has a greater plan for those in John's Island. My heart aches for those who still suffer but it rejoices for those we helped.

God, bless those whose homes and hearts we changed. Bless those children and provide a way for the seeds we planted to be watered and nourished daily. Thank you, God, for this opportunity and for the better plan you had for us.

"I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.

I'll follow you into the world.

Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God.

I'll follow you into the world."

It's not about me...

So, this past week, I was with my middle schoolers from the youth group down at Garden City Beach Camp in Garden City, SC. It was a phenomenal week. We had 4 of our kids accept Christ for the first time and others to make decisions to make their relationship with God better. I love beach camp.

I'm not very much myself when I'm at beach camp. But it's a good thing. Let me explain to you what it's like...because many of you probably wouldn't believe me when I say I love it. Our bedrooms are rooms with 10 sets of bunk beds (20 beds total). Many of my male friends probably would not fit in them. The bathrooms have 3 showers, 3 toilets, and 3 sinks. This sounds like a lot, but when you have 20 girls in one room all trying to get ready for worship at the same time, it seems like half as many as you need. Every morning, we get up, and have breakfast and go to worship. For me, a shower is not in my morning agenda (very out of character) because I have just taken one the night before for worship. During the afternoons, we have free time. I hate sand, but I spend pretty much every afternoon at the beach. Free time is from 1-5 and I'm usually at the beach from 1-4. In the other hour, I hang out with the other kids back at the house and getting ready for dinner.

After morning worship, the kids go to their classes and, this past week, Trevor, Lyndsay, and I all taught a class on how to handle conflict. I've taught a class every year for the past 4 years, and this year, one of the classes was, without a doubt, the best class I've ever had. The content was great, but what made it so wonderful was the kids. They were very willing to participate and share stories. They admitted to having had issues with conflict in the past and we worked on things and talked stuff out together. On the first day, we decided that the overarching theme of the week was "it's not about me...". When involved in conflicts, if we can just remember "it's not about me", we will probably end up happier.

I think what I learn most every week is that the key to living a satisfying life is simplicity. When I'm there, I don't have a computer, I don't have a television, I have my phone but barely use it...and I'm happy. So if I try to add the selflessness notion mentioned above, maybe things will be even better. As much as I hate to admit it, it's so much easier to live like this while I'm down there. It's because I'm forced (as bad as it sounds) to read my bible, spend time with God, and pray. I'm trying to keep it a habit. We leave tomorrow for round 2 with the high schoolers. I'm excited to see God again...and hoping to see God when I get back too...

Feels like Home to me...

Wow. I've taken entirely too long to update my blog. For those 3 avid followers I have, I sincerely apologize. For everyone else, get over it. ha! Only kidding...

So, you may have noticed that the tone of this posts title is much more uplifting than that of my last one. It may be partially because nothing really feels like home and that song is just in my head, or it could also be that I am settling down into a routine even with half my life still boxed up in the corner. Since my last post, I have found a place to live in Atlanta. That weekend was filled with many emotions. I was mainly incredibly overwhelmed...I am incredibly overwhelmed. The fact that I will be paying for my own place really freaks me out. As much as I hate to admit it, I will miss my parents so badly being 4 hours away from them, that I will probably cry...and cry and cry and cry.

But, in all of it, I keep reminding myself, God has a reason. There is a reason that 2 years ago I went on a mission trip to Buffalo, NY when I had no desire. There is a reason that God spoke to me that week and told me to follow. There is a reason that I received an incredible scholarship and have met incredible people at this McAfee place. There is a reason. Yet, still, I'm a doubting Thomas. One day, it will all be made clear...and until then, there is a reason.

"He makes all things good

there’s a time to live and a time to die
a time for wonder and to wonder why
cause

there is a reason."

So 2 days ago, I started my internship. I love this internship. Most of the time. Sometimes Chris (the youth minister, my boss) can be an absolute tool. I mean, to the point that I want to punch him and cry. Sometimes he pisses me off so much because he knows exactly when to call my bluffs. But then there are times...times that I'm reminded that there's a reason.

I found an email from him a few days ago that reminded me of this story. My senior year in high school, Chris asked me to preach for youth sunday. Looking back, I should have been way more honored than I was. I wrote this sermon after many weeks of deliberating on a topic and I emailed it to him. The next day I got that email from him and in it, he enumerated his praise and told me that it would have rivaled the sermons written by graduate students in his preaching class. I'm not trying at all to toot my own horn, but what he said to me made me feel so good because he was proud of me. At the heart of it was pride. I'm not sure that there are many people (outside my family) that have been as proud of me and make me feel so good about myself as Chris does. For example, Chris drove from Hickory to Mars Hill to see me walk across the stage to receive my diploma. He found me afterward and gave me a huge hug, told me how proud of me he was, and left. He drove, round trip 3 hours, to see probably 3 minutes of "me time". Maybe that's just being a good youth minister, but to me, that's a great friend. I'll never forget the day that he helped me move into my dorm my freshman year in college, he was leaving and I was going down with him to say goodbye and on the elevator I started tearing up and he looked at me and said, "There's no crying in baseball." I still cried, but just the fact that he was there for me that day meant so much to me. Chris is, without a doubt, one of the best mentors, leaders, and friends I have ever had. So, yeah, now that this internship has started, things are starting to feel more like home. So, if you read this Chris, just know that I appreciate everything you do...for me, and for everyone. Thanks for reminding me, more times than many people would believe, that there is a reason....