"I'm a wanderer I have no place or time..."

So here I am, a college graduate. Nothing feels different. It's like when you have a birthday and people say to you, "do you feel different now that you're 13?...16?...21?" and, even though each of these represent a milestone in its own right, the truth is, I never felt any different. I feel the same now. I felt the same on Saturday, graduation day, as I did the day I walked into my first dorm room when I was a mere 17 years old.

The only thing I feel now is frustration. As my entire life sits boxed up in a corner of our dining room, the only thing I feel now is frustration. This place, this house where I grew up, where I split my head open on the chair railing when I was 6, this place is supposed to be home. And, don't tell my mother, but this just isn't home anymore. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my bedroom has now been turned into the guest bedroom, or the fact that renovations have been done while I've been in school. But either way, I feel so "in between", so nomadic.

Now, I know I should be grateful for all the opportunities. There are many people who don't have the chance to go and be and find new homes; and some have the chance, but not on their own accord. I should be excited that my life is packed up in boxes waiting to go on to my next adventure, and I'm sure my aggravation will subside, but for now it's so frustrating! It is like my life is literally looming over me, staring at me, beckoning me to do something...and I just want to yell back, "I can't do anything! You, my life, are all packed up with no where to go!" I want to go straight to Atlanta. But I know that if I do that, I will be skipping an important part of my life. This summer has a reason and has a purpose, and, no matter how frustrating it is, I have to live it. I need to be happy for it and look forward to it. And for now, the best I can do is try...

here we are and there we go...

I graduate from college in 6 days. 6 days. That's it. In 6 days, I embark on a new journey. I am scared and excited and sad and overwhelmed. I know that this is how it is supposed to be. This is the plan that God has for my life, but I've become so comfortable where I am. I was meant to spend 4 years here, and I have done that. My life must continue. Mars Hill has become my home.

I've always considered home to be the place where you have most of your memories, most of your friends, and the place where you leave most of your heart, and, for right now, that place is Mars Hill. There is something about the way the entire campus turns bright orange and red in October, and the way it turns into a cornucopia of color in March...but, most of all, there's something about the way a professor from a freshman year gen. ed. course still remembers your name when you see him in the cafeteria. That, my friends, is home.

Home, to me, is a place where one can grow and struggle and cry and laugh and change. Most of all of those, I have changed. I never like embracing change, in fact, I tend to be quite opposed to it, but the changes that have taken place in me have made me a better person. I love not because I am supposed to, but because I need to. I care not because someone in Sunday School told me to, but because I want to. I give not because it's "the right thing to do" but because my time and money cannot be better spent otherwise. That, my friends, is home.

The love that I have experienced on this campus has taught me how to love. My brilliant roommate wrote an incredible facebook note all about love. About seeing God in people's character, not in the celestial greatness above us. I like to think of God as being synonymous with upper-case "L" love. God is Love. I have learned to see Love in the eyes of a homeless man when I give him my carry-out that I probably wasn't going to eat anyway...I have learned to see Love in the eyes of the drug addicted men and women attending church and finding peace outside of dependency. So much of this newly acquired vision is because of Mars Hill. That, my friends, is home.

It is hard to say, but we are merely nomads in this life. In 6 days I'll move on to a new home. Somewhere else where I can learn and grow and change into someone even better, even greater. But, I can guarantee, that none of that could happen without the foundation that Mars Hill has created. To all my friends, professors, and colleagues, thank you. You, my friends, are home.

it's been a while, old friend.

For Lent this year, I gave up my computer. This included facebook, blogging, anything outside of educational purposes (I'm taking an online class). I did really well, for the most part. I read some great books and learned some important things. I also finished student teaching. My student teaching experience was beyond anything I ever expected. I loved every minute of it. As much as I hated waking up at 6 AM every day, and as close as I came to falling asleep behind the wheel on the way to school, I absolutely looked forward to every day. It really confirmed my desire to teach.

Yet, somehow, through all this time and change, I find myself still wanting to grow and do and be more in the presence of God and God's ministry. Frustration.

Time is passing, and each day brings me closer and closer to life as a seminary student. Part of me is so excited and anxious to move, and part of me is scared to hell. The people I have met are wonderful, and I hear the friendships you make in divinity school are unlike those anywhere else because you are all fighting the same fight. I just had a really great discussion with one of the students entering with me and, after it, I can truly say with confidence (as if I didn't have enough already), that I cannot wait to begin.

Here I am, Lord. Where do I go from here? It's hard to listen, but I'm trying every day. Forgive me when I don't.

We've gotta hold up the mirror, and share in the blame...

So the church that I usually go to (Biltmore United Methodist) was cancelled today because of the ice, which was actually a blessing in disguise. I don't often get to visit other churches because I work at Biltmore and sing in the choir. Today, Sarah McCoy and I went to Mars Hill Baptist and, overall, it was a great service. We took communion and the litany that we read really got my attention:

"How can we eat our bread when we know there are others, far away, who are hungry? How can we drink our juice when we think of our brothers and sisters whose mouths are parched for lack of clean water? When Jesus first offered this meal to his disciples, it was to enlist them in the final suffering and victory: not to deny that bad things happen to good people, but to say that we share in everything we have, and everything that happens to us. We come to this table today to do exactly that - to remind ourselves that we are inextricably part of all the things and people of creation, of the seed and grade that grew into this meal, of the men and women and children who labor to rebuild their homes and their lives on the other side of the world. Let us not hold back, but join them. As you bless this meal, God, bless us too - make us a living meal, our substance and our attention in prayer poured out for your many children who are struggling this day. Hold us together in the invisible communion of the spirit."

The parts that I put in bold really spoke to me. This whole litany reminds me of the Caedmon's Call song "Share in the Blame":

Don’t blame your brother for the color of his skin
don’t blame your neighbor for the house he lives in
from the same cloth, we are made of, we are just the same
you gotta hold up the mirror and share in the blame

I want to be a part of something great and I want to do great things, but I don't know how. Either that or I feel like my efforts are all in vain because they "aren't enough". Today on CBS Sunday Morning (one of my favorite shows), there was a story about a girl who really took action. In the same 50 yard area, she saw a homeless man, and a man driving a luxury car. She said, "If that man didn't have such a nice car and had spent the money elsewhere, that homeless man may have something to eat and drink." This inspired her entire family. They sold their house (worth over a million dollars) and moved to a smaller house a few blocks away and donated all the excess money ($800,000) to a charity. They went to Africa and opened a corn mill for local women and their donation is aiding in the building of a medication facility.

I know that I don't have a million dollar house to sell, but I just want to know what I can do! I feel trapped because I don't know how to act...I literally do not know what actions I can take that will satiate my desire to "do".

Great and Loving God, what can I do to further your cause? How can I become more a part in the "invisible communion of the spirit"? Please direct me...please direct us all...

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do....

So, today's sermon at church was all about love. And after all of the devastation in Haiti, I got to thinking about the phenomenal amounts of love our country has shown to them. I also got to thinking about some of the remarks some of my "fellow brothers and sisters" in Christ have said about all of the aforementioned devastation.

"They were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.' True story. And so the devil said, 'Ok it’s a deal.' And they kicked the French out. The Haitians revolted and got something themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another," Robertson said.

In my minimal research, I found a website that discusses the history of France and Haiti. According to this website, there was tension between France and the French Colony of Saint Dominigue (which is present day Haiti) due to slavery. The slaves made pacts with Britain and Spain and, eventually, there was a threat of British and Spanish invasions, so France abolished slavery and the former slaves continued the revolt until they could finally declare themselves independent in 1804. Now, I know I may not be blessed with the spiritual gift of reading between the lines, but this doesn't sound too different from any of the other revolts that have occurred in any of the other hundreds of countries around the world, and I certainly don't see any mention of pact-making with the devil. I would also like to throw in that, although many websites do confirm that voodoo is a large part of worship in Haiti, 85% of the country is Roman Catholic.

I would also like to throw out there the fact that my God is not a vengeful God. I do not believe that God would do this to "get back" at the people of Haiti because they worship in an alternative way. Just the same way God did not cause Hurricane Katrina to go through New Orleans's French Quarter because of all the promiscuity that goes on there (because, after all, the French Quarter was almost untouched). I am not saying that God did not cause the earthquake or hurricane to happen, but I do not believe God caused them to happen out of shear vengeance. I do not believe that God is punishing those afflicted for things they have done because, if that is the case, I should not be sitting here typing this blog post. I just get so frustrated when people blame God for things they themselves cannot control. What kind of love does that show?

I pray that God lays a hand of healing and of peace on the people of Haiti. A hand that only the God of justice and love can lay - because the Haitians are my brothers and sisters too. I will love them through their anguish just as I will love those, who make comments like that above, through their ignorance.

growing up is hard to do...

"I shall never grow up; make believe is much too fun." -Eisley

If only...I begin my student teaching on Thursday which is kind of scary. Reality has yet to set in though - regardless of the fact that I spent 7 hours training today and the fact that I've been in email correspondence with my "cooperating teacher" as the educational field calls it. I feel like it was yesterday that I was the high schooler giving my student teacher a hard time...and I do not feel prepared to face all of those "me's" (you know the smart ass cynics who think they're way better than anyone...) that I'm sure to encounter.

Anyway, I was driving back up to school yesterday listening to one of the old caedmon's call cds and was reminded how much I love them! If you don't know of them, check them out. There's one song in which they paraphrase John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. [RSV]):

For You so loved the unlovable,

that You gave the ineffable.

That who so believes the unbelievable,

will gain the unattainable.

Even though I am a linguistic nerd and thoroughly enjoy depth and critical thinking when it comes to texts, I think the reason I like this so much is because it is so simple. We are unloveable. Jesus is ineffable. Eternal life, without the ineffable, is unattainable. Incredible. Just because God loved us. Ineffable (according to my handy dandy built-in dictionary on my computer) is defined as "too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words". Wow. Did you know that in Webster's Dictionary, there are over 315,000 words...and not one of them can describe what God did for us. Incredible. I think there comes a point that even the most scholarly among us have no words, and at that moment we must "be still and know" that God is God. Be still. Just shut up with our powerful words (all 315,000+ of them)...and know that God is God. Sometimes that's hard. Especially for me.

I think this semester of student teaching will be great for me. I'm looking forward to the many lessons I will learn. I've been told about domestic violence...and drug use...but I've never seen it up front. Part of me hopes I do this semester. I need to experience different aspects of life that I haven't considered. I'm ready and willing to accept the challenge. Here we go...

New Year, New Post

I say "new year, new post" as if that's the reason I haven't written. Truth is, I just have slacked off. I know all you avid followers are disappointed, and I'm sorry. (ha!)

I'm starting a book that was recommended to me by Tony Spencer, a great mentor of mine. It's called "Jessie". He recommended it in response to my desire to live a life inspired and I'm very excited to see how it is.

My sister had a blog while she was in college and she experienced a lot of the same things I'm going through. This text that she made up really resounds with me:

I want to know you, Lord.
I want to know relief.
I want to know You love me.
Help my unbelief.

I don't think God wants us to be miserable. He doesn't want us to constantly doubt him, but I do think he wants us to doubt. How can we be absolutely sure of a God we didn't once doubt. My problem is that I gotten so caught up in doubting, that I even doubt in believing. It's a great frustration.

For today, this is all. I will try to be more attentive to my postings.