Loving God in Spite of the Church

The message of this post has been a long time coming.  The message of this post will be difficult pill to swallow.  The message of this post breaks my heart on a daily basis.  But I feel the need to talk about it and to publicize it because maybe I'm not the only one.

 I have been actively involved in the church my entire life.  I have participated in children's choir, Girls in Action, Acteens, handbells - everything.  I grew up going to "big church" following sunday school.  In college, I worked in the church.  I taught children's choir and adult handbells.  I was an intern with my youth ministry at home.  I thought I knew everything there was to know about church.  And then, I came to seminary...

When you start seminary, you are excited and scared at the same time.  You are anxious and happy.  You meet people and you bear your soul within the first few weeks of school by writing a spiritual autobiography where you outline and demonstrate your knowledge for all things church-related.  In college, I studied music - I went to class and learned how to analyze musical phrases and I learned how to best educate children.  I found refuge on Sunday mornings.  Sundays were refreshing because I did not have to think about school, or music theory, or pedagogical techniques.  But when you are in seminary, everything in your life becomes church.  You go to class and you analyze biblical passages and you translate Hebrew and Greek and discover how ill-informed some translations of scripture are. Just three years ago, I found refuge in Sunday mornings at church because it was an escape from school and now I avoid Sundays at church because it gives me a break.

Being in seminary, I have realized how bad things are in the Church.  I am around ministers on a day-to-day basis and hear them tell stories of frustration and anger.  My heart has hardened and I have become a cynic toward the idea of Church as it stands today.  I am tired of old, white men being leaders in the church and squelching the hopes of a younger generation because we do not have the finances to buy a voice loud enough to be heard - when the message of Jesus spoke directly to the least of these.  I am tired of hearing why some people, created in God's image, are not welcome in church because they are "sinners" - when the message of Jesus spoke directly to loving our neighbor as we love ourselves.  I am tired of politics finding their way into church, and Church finding its way into politics - when Jesus said render unto Caesar's what is Caesar's.  I have taken my anger out on God and I have neglected our relationship because I felt like it was all God's fault.

I was sorely mistaken.  God is not the one who is flawed - it is humanity.  So, yes.  It is increasingly difficult to find my refuge in church on Sunday mornings, but I still find refuge in God.  Not everything about my seminary experience has hardened me.  I have made wonderful friends, I have met my future husband, and I have discovered how important it is to maintain a relationship with God - because when your focus is on God, you don't seem to care as much about the problems of the world.  This is a truth I'm working on accepting daily.  I thank God for redemption through God's son.  I thank God for the message of love and unconditional acceptance Jesus preached every day.  But I pray, with as much sincerity as I can, that someday the church will begin replicating that love and unconditional acceptance.  That is when I will find refuge in the church once again.  I pray that day comes soon.

yet another blog about Chick-Fil-A...

Okay, so here's the thing.  I really didn't want to do this.  I'm really tired of seeing posts from both the supporters and dissenters of Dan Cathy and his deliciously beloved Chick-Fil-A.  But, I wanted to provide an even-keeled statement about my feelings toward the topic.

First thing's first - I LOVE CHICK-FIL-A!  I have never eaten anything in their restaurant that didn't leave me immediately wanting more, but I much prefer a number 5 8-count with lemonade.  Did you know that you can even get a grilled cheese sandwich there?  And I love trading in my toy from the kids' meal for an IceDream.  Admittedly, as a cynic, sometimes it drives me crazy when they say "my pleasure" but I let that slide because most of the time I can tell that it really is their pleasure.  Chick-Fil-A has employed many of my friends and every one of them genuinely loved their job which is more than a lot of us can say.  So, while I don't necessarily agree with the opinion expressed by their C.O.O., I will respect the fact that he has a right to that opinion and I pray that others will recognize this right regardless of their opinion.

But here's the main point of my blog - I love Jesus more.  I believe that Jesus' words define my life, and while Jesus frequently opposed those in power who abused that aspect of their lives, he himself said that loving your neighbor as you love yourself bears as much weight as the greatest commandment to love God.  I have many gay friends.  Two of them I consider my best friends and both of them are in loving, committed, monogamous relationships.  One of them will stand beside me as a bridesmaid in my wedding in April.  I can proudly say that I love them.  I love them not only because they are my "neighbor" as defined by Jesus - I love them because they make me smile, they have wonderful senses of humor.  I love them because they provide shoulders to cry on when life gets me down.  I love them because they come to me when they need a shoulder to cry on.  I do not condemn them, partly because I see nothing for them to be condemned for, but mainly because Jesus didn't condemn either (John 3:17).

So while I won't be joining any boycotts of Chick-Fil-A (I had lunch there today), I also won't apologize for my love and support for gay and lesbian people.  If you feel that I need to apologize for that, then perhaps it is time for all of us to pay attention to the second half of the greatest commandment - loving ourselves requires us to love all people and, like Jesus, we should do this without condemnation.  So, until further notice, I'm leaving the judgement up to God and following Jesus by standing up for what I believe to be right.  And if someday I find out I'm wrong, then God can judge me too.

A Prayer

Great God,

In the midst of all this incessant talking and arguing and finger pointing and word throwing, it's easy to forget to talk to you...and I have done just that.  Please, forgive me.  God, I pray for myself.  I pray that you will be a constant encourager in my life of being slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen.  God, please be with those people who have felt stung or rejected by political banter.  Encourage them as well.  Give them hope and excitement for a future of love and acceptance.  God, be with those who have administered the sting and rejection through their words of reprimand.  Open their hearts to see that those whom they recognize as a sinner is no different than them, and may not be a sinner in the way they believe.

God, help us all.  Help us all to model Christ.  Help us open our arms to those rejected in our society - whatever our society is.  Some may need to open their arms to embracing and loving homosexuality as not a sin, but as just another way of expressing love.  Some, like me, may need to open their arms to embracing those with differing opinions not as ignorant or closed-minded, but as another one of your creations to be loved and respected.  I ask, God I beg, that we all find the ability to communicate rationally without plan or agenda to change each others mind.  Help us all be open to hearing from "the other side" without putting up walls of defense around our own beliefs, so that through these conversations, we will be able to hear the truth spoken through You.

I believe you are a God of love and are truly capable of doing miraculous things, but we must be open and receptive to those miracles to see them.  Help us all be constantly anticipating hearing from you to speak love and justice in the ways that you believe are what we need.  Thank you God for the ability to speak freely about you and about our opinions without risk of punishment or death.  Help us not take that lightly or for granted.

I love you God and am grateful for your presence in my life.  Help me be that presence to others in all that I say and do.

Amen.

why I no longer hate surprises....

For all my life, I have HATED surprises. I'm not quite sure you understand how much I'm emphasizing hate. Here's an example: when I was little, my parents surprised me and my sister with a trip to DisneyWorld....THE MOST WONDERFUL PLACE ON EARTH!! And I was enraged. How did they expect me just to drop all of my 12-year-old, adolescent world plans and leave for DisneyWorld in 3 days? I got over it, but I think I still kinda hold a grudge. Anyway, this is the story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down...(you see what I did there?)

well guess what! I'm engaged...and it was a TOTAL SURPRISE! And apparently it's been almost 3 whole days now and it's still real life so I guess it's really happening. I am still so shocked and ecstatic and amazed and absolutely STOKED (if I use a word like stoked to describe an engagement emotion, does that make me too young to get engaged? hope not!). Anyway, here's how it happened:

William's ordination was on Sunday. I was SO excited to get to spend this day with him and his family in fellowship and celebration of his big day! I hadn't met a majority of his family - cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. They were all there and it was wonderful to meet them. The service was beautiful and meaningful and I'm almost positive the entire state of Georgia came and laid hands on him. After the service, there was a reception, so everyone headed to the fellowship hall. William wanted a whole family photo, so the entire family (including me) gathered on the steps of the sanctuary and we took a picture.

I went with William down to his office to drop some things off then headed to the fellowship hall. Before we got in, William pulled me back and gave me a hug and kissed me and said, "I just wanted to thank you for what you said during the laying on of hands. It means a lot." Well, I always get so frazzled when I lay on hands (mainly because I feel pressure for time constraints and for some reason I get crazy nervous) that I had forgotten what I'd said except something along the lines of, "I can't wait to be able to support each other's ministries for the rest of our lives." Well, we walked into the fellowship hall and people are chattering and enjoying punch and cupcakes and William wants to make an announcement. He loves to socialize and be around and with people, so this was no surprise to me. He said, "Can I get everyone's attention? I just want to thank you all for being here today and for supporting me and my ministry." But then, something kinda crazy happened. He said, "I also want to introduce to you all my girlfriend, Mary Kate Christian." (At this point, I'm thinking, "I already know a majority of these people and I'm not doing anything anymore special than what your family has done today...") and he says, "and in front of my family and our friends..." (then he pulls me forward a little bit) "...and her family" and I see my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my precious niece, and two best friends and think, "holy cow something is about to happen." That's when this picture was taken...

Total shock and awe. He continues by saying, "I just wanted to let you know I love you and I know we've had our share of ups and downs, but I just wanted to know....will you marry me?" He got down on one knee and presented the most BEAUTIFUL ring I have ever seen in my life. With little to no advice from me, he picked out the most perfect ring in the world. It's exactly what I would have wanted and picked out for myself. Absolutely flawlessly perfect. My wonderful roommate was there and caught it all. I'm SO grateful.

So anyway, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams!! I'll let you all know as soon we we have an official date set, but it won't be until I graduate next May (2013). Thank you all for your excitement and words of support and encouragement. It's going to be an amazing and exciting journey!!

The last year and a half in review...

Well friends, I am officially halfway done with seminary. I have learned so much while being at McAfee. Of course, I've studied under biblical scholars and church historians and world renowned preachers and will never underestimate the importance of that. But I've never realized the truth behind the Mark Twain quote, "don't let your schooling get in the way of your education" until seminary.

I have made some incredible friends. As a first year student last year, I gravitated toward the second year students and we immediately bonded. Guys and girls alike - they became my family. In seminary, you don't just battle the drama of friendships (although that definitely still happens too...just because we're called by a higher authority does not mean we're above the drama), but you go through a spiritual journey. You discover yourself in a deeper way than you ever have before. Some days you hate it and feel trapped by your beliefs, some days you're freed and feel better than you've ever felt in your life.

This year, I realized the impending graduation of my now-third-year friends. This made me really sad, but instead of dwelling, I invested in the friendships of the girls in my class...and that has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. They're wonderful. We sit up and laugh and gossip and drink wine just like any other group of twenty-something girls you'll ever meet. But more importantly, we cry and yell and comfort each other too. I'm not sure I'll ever forget the night that Mary (first row on the left) offered to come over and console me at 1 in the morning when I was having a terrible night. She sat there and held me and let me cry and this means more to me than she'll ever know.

[Feel free to quit reading now if you're opposed to sap.]

I also have an amazing boyfriend. I feel so cheesy for talking about it - I'm not really a publicly lovey-dovey kind of girl, but I can't really help it when it comes to him...plus, Rachel posted about her boyfriend (now fiance!!!!) in the same fashion, so I feel like that's permission enough. Anyway, William is wonderful. He's been there for me through everything I've dealt with. And even though our relationship hasn't been the easiest thing to get off the ground, now that it is, I couldn't ask for anything more. He gets me. We have the same sense of humor, we listen to the same kind of music, we are passionate about the same things. It just works. It's in the silly little things...like when he winks at me or sends me text messages that make me laugh just because he knows they will. We can have serious conversations about important things in our lives and then 15 minutes later be talking in goofy accents and laughing hysterically. I like him because he's him and he likes me because I'm me and because of that, there's zero pressure. There's really nothing more to say about it other than repeating myself over and over. He's great, it works, I'm happy, end of story.

So to put it simply, I have loved being at McAfee. My professors are amazing, my friends are wonderful, and I've never felt more at home anywhere else. I truly expect for these people to be in my life for a long time in some capacity or another. I love you all and thank you for the impact you've had on my life. It won't be soon forgotten. Merry Christmas to you all, and I'll see you all in the new year!

what is wrong with me?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I bear my soul. I, as a friend once said, have been an open book all 23 years of my life. So the following information may seem too exposed and personal to you, but for me, it's just another day in the life of Mary Kate.

3 weeks ago, I visited my family doctor. He came into the examining room expecting to talk about my thyroid - the recurring health issue that had been the cause of my last 5 visits - but when he glanced down at my chart and saw what the nurse had scribbled down, he said, "Oh...you're not here for that at all..." I was there to talk about the depression and anxiety I had been experiencing. There were days that I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed. I ate only because I had to, not because I wanted to. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I was not sleeping well at night.

Last November, I received news that my parents would be separating. I have struggled with this fact every day since. It feels weird to say, when I go home, that I'm going to my mom's house. I hate having to schedule time to see my dad. But this is now a part of life and I must adjust.

In July, I accepted a ministry position in a church that was already struggling. I took on lots of responsibility and hoped for the best. I was one of three ministers on staff - all seminary students. I was starting my second year of graduate school and, in addition to the stress of family issues, I could not handle it anymore.

In September, I could take it no more. After personal relationship issues pushed me to the edge, I broke down. I was simply experiencing too much stress.

I sat in the doctor's office that Friday 3 weeks ago and admitted that I need help. I can't do this on my own. I was frustrated that I couldn't help myself. I have always struggled with control issues and this was not helping. I wished I could just grin and bear it. I wished God would just step down and help, but as another doctor told a friend, "that's why God invented medicine."

Before I say this, let me acknowledge that I know it's going to sound twisted. But, some days I am angry that I don't remember having cancer when I was 9 months old. At one of my lowest points, I was weeping on the phone to my mom who so gently said, "I know you don't remember it, but there was a time when you were in a lot more pain than this. But you were strong and you were always happy. You didn't know any other way to be." She said this in an attempt to console me, and now that I'm medicated and feeling a lot better, I can see that. But at the time, I felt guilty. I was sitting there in an apartment that has functioning heat and air, a stocked pantry, and I had a full stomach - and I was complaining about not having an appetite.

My mind drifted to my cancer...how powerless my parents must have felt. "How dare you feel bad right now when they have been through so much." My mind drifted to the millions of people in this world who have nothing...who literally don't know where they will sleep tonight. "How dare you feel bad right now when they are suffering."

Maybe this post is overdramatic. Maybe I'm overanalyzing...as per usual. But what I learned from my experience is this: it is okay to suffer and cry and scream during your darkest most painful days, as long as you remember and try to do something for those whose days are darker.

God, give me opportunities to spread and share the many resources you have generously afforded me. Open the eyes of the world to a better place of more justice and equal opportunity for everyone. Let us live as Jesus lived - allowing us to pray for the cup to pass, but dying for others anyway. Thank you for your love.

my heart is aching, but I can always fake it...

If any of you know me at all, you know that when I'm sad, I turn to the lyrics that comprise the title of this post.

"my heart is aching/but i can always fake it/i am hypocrisy/each and every day..."

But today, I can no longer fake it. I am sick. I am disgusted. And I am angry.

I was born in Hickory, North Carolina in 1988 and I did not leave until I moved to college in 2006. I even went to college in North Carolina, and it was there that I fell in love. Not with a person, but with a region. The mountains of Western North Carolina are indescribably beautiful. Especially this time of year. While sitting on a college campus in Atlanta, GA, I can still close my eyes and see the vibrant yellows, oranges, reds, and greens that are surely pervading the campus of Mars Hill College and I want nothing more than to be there. I want to breathe in the clean, crisp mountain air. I want to sit on the quad with my friends and lay under the blue sky. And as much as I miss it, I feel my home state has betrayed me today. And I am angry.

You want to know what North Carolina thinks?

“Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state.” (Raleigh News & Observer)

What makes me most angry about this statement is that it is the prejudiced, closed-minded leaders in our state Senate that lead the pack. Forget the 57% of North Carolinians who support gay marriage and civil unions.

You know when North Carolina gets to vote on this?

May 12, 2012. The day of the Republican Primaries.

The most ironic part of this is the deterioration of marriage in this country. In 2009, it is reported that there were 36,708 divorces in the state of North Carolina. That's 100.5 divorces every day.

Every day, 100.5 men are leaving their wives. 100.5 women are walking away from their husbands. 100.5 families are being torn apart.

But how dare we let two people, regardless of gender, try to reverse this by proving their love for one another. As my friend Rachel pointed out this is not a religious fight. This is a deeply personal fight for millions of people who are God-loving people. Love is love. Atheists are capable of loving just as passionately as even the most fervent Christians. Who are we to say they are not allowed to do so just because they love someone of the same sex? Regardless of whether or not you "believe homosexuality is a sin," you are denying the basic principle on which this country was founded - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for every single person.

I am a Christian. I go to church every Sunday (because, sadly, this is all it takes to prove to most how "strong" of a Christian I am). But this is not a Christian nation. If God blesses America, so too does God bless Mexico and China and Iran and Libya. We are to uphold the basic rights of our citizens and when we neglect to honor their right to be happy, we neglect what our country is founded on.

To any of my LGBTQ friends who may be reading this, move away from North Carolina. Support another state's local economy for no other reason other than they support you. You are loved somewhere, and I am heartbroken that it is not the state in which I was raised. You deserve better than what North Carolina is offering you.