this is my story, this is my song

The last year and a half in review...

2011-12-23T11:36:00.007-05:00

Well friends, I am officially halfway done with seminary. I have learned so much while being at McAfee. Of course, I've studied under biblical scholars and church historians and world renowned preachers and will never underestimate the importance of that. But I've never realized the truth behind the Mark Twain quote, "don't let your schooling get in the way of your education" until seminary.

I have made some incredible friends. As a first year student last year, I gravitated toward the second year students and we immediately bonded. Guys and girls alike - they became my family. In seminary, you don't just battle the drama of friendships (although that definitely still happens too...just because we're called by a higher authority does not mean we're above the drama), but you go through a spiritual journey. You discover yourself in a deeper way than you ever have before. Some days you hate it and feel trapped by your beliefs, some days you're freed and feel better than you've ever felt in your life.

This year, I realized the impending graduation of my now-third-year friends. This made me really sad, but instead of dwelling, I invested in the friendships of the girls in my class...and that has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. They're wonderful. We sit up and laugh and gossip and drink wine just like any other group of twenty-something girls you'll ever meet. But more importantly, we cry and yell and comfort each other too. I'm not sure I'll ever forget the night that Mary (first row on the left) offered to come over and console me at 1 in the morning when I was having a terrible night. She sat there and held me and let me cry and this means more to me than she'll ever know.

[Feel free to quit reading now if you're opposed to sap.]

I also have an amazing boyfriend. I feel so cheesy for talking about it - I'm not really a publicly lovey-dovey kind of girl, but I can't really help it when it comes to him...plus, Rachel posted about her boyfriend (now fiance!!!!) in the same fashion, so I feel like that's permission enough. Anyway, William is wonderful. He's been there for me through everything I've dealt with. And even though our relationship hasn't been the easiest thing to get off the ground, now that it is, I couldn't ask for anything more. He gets me. We have the same sense of humor, we listen to the same kind of music, we are passionate about the same things. It just works. It's in the silly little things...like when he winks at me or sends me text messages that make me laugh just because he knows they will. We can have serious conversations about important things in our lives and then 15 minutes later be talking in goofy accents and laughing hysterically. I like him because he's him and he likes me because I'm me and because of that, there's zero pressure. There's really nothing more to say about it other than repeating myself over and over. He's great, it works, I'm happy, end of story.

So to put it simply, I have loved being at McAfee. My professors are amazing, my friends are wonderful, and I've never felt more at home anywhere else. I truly expect for these people to be in my life for a long time in some capacity or another. I love you all and thank you for the impact you've had on my life. It won't be soon forgotten. Merry Christmas to you all, and I'll see you all in the new year!

what is wrong with me?

2011-10-22T17:12:00.002-04:00

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I bear my soul. I, as a friend once said, have been an open book all 23 years of my life. So the following information may seem too exposed and personal to you, but for me, it's just another day in the life of Mary Kate.

3 weeks ago, I visited my family doctor. He came into the examining room expecting to talk about my thyroid - the recurring health issue that had been the cause of my last 5 visits - but when he glanced down at my chart and saw what the nurse had scribbled down, he said, "Oh...you're not here for that at all..." I was there to talk about the depression and anxiety I had been experiencing. There were days that I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed. I ate only because I had to, not because I wanted to. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I was not sleeping well at night.

Last November, I received news that my parents would be separating. I have struggled with this fact every day since. It feels weird to say, when I go home, that I'm going to my mom's house. I hate having to schedule time to see my dad. But this is now a part of life and I must adjust.

In July, I accepted a ministry position in a church that was already struggling. I took on lots of responsibility and hoped for the best. I was one of three ministers on staff - all seminary students. I was starting my second year of graduate school and, in addition to the stress of family issues, I could not handle it anymore.

In September, I could take it no more. After personal relationship issues pushed me to the edge, I broke down. I was simply experiencing too much stress.

I sat in the doctor's office that Friday 3 weeks ago and admitted that I need help. I can't do this on my own. I was frustrated that I couldn't help myself. I have always struggled with control issues and this was not helping. I wished I could just grin and bear it. I wished God would just step down and help, but as another doctor told a friend, "that's why God invented medicine."

Before I say this, let me acknowledge that I know it's going to sound twisted. But, some days I am angry that I don't remember having cancer when I was 9 months old. At one of my lowest points, I was weeping on the phone to my mom who so gently said, "I know you don't remember it, but there was a time when you were in a lot more pain than this. But you were strong and you were always happy. You didn't know any other way to be." She said this in an attempt to console me, and now that I'm medicated and feeling a lot better, I can see that. But at the time, I felt guilty. I was sitting there in an apartment that has functioning heat and air, a stocked pantry, and I had a full stomach - and I was complaining about not having an appetite.

My mind drifted to my cancer...how powerless my parents must have felt. "How dare you feel bad right now when they have been through so much." My mind drifted to the millions of people in this world who have nothing...who literally don't know where they will sleep tonight. "How dare you feel bad right now when they are suffering."

Maybe this post is overdramatic. Maybe I'm overanalyzing...as per usual. But what I learned from my experience is this: it is okay to suffer and cry and scream during your darkest most painful days, as long as you remember and try to do something for those whose days are darker.

God, give me opportunities to spread and share the many resources you have generously afforded me. Open the eyes of the world to a better place of more justice and equal opportunity for everyone. Let us live as Jesus lived - allowing us to pray for the cup to pass, but dying for others anyway. Thank you for your love.

my heart is aching, but I can always fake it...

2011-09-13T14:49:00.007-04:00

If any of you know me at all, you know that when I'm sad, I turn to the lyrics that comprise the title of this post.

"my heart is aching/but i can always fake it/i am hypocrisy/each and every day..."

But today, I can no longer fake it. I am sick. I am disgusted. And I am angry.

I was born in Hickory, North Carolina in 1988 and I did not leave until I moved to college in 2006. I even went to college in North Carolina, and it was there that I fell in love. Not with a person, but with a region. The mountains of Western North Carolina are indescribably beautiful. Especially this time of year. While sitting on a college campus in Atlanta, GA, I can still close my eyes and see the vibrant yellows, oranges, reds, and greens that are surely pervading the campus of Mars Hill College and I want nothing more than to be there. I want to breathe in the clean, crisp mountain air. I want to sit on the quad with my friends and lay under the blue sky. And as much as I miss it, I feel my home state has betrayed me today. And I am angry.

You want to know what North Carolina thinks?

“Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state.” (Raleigh News & Observer)

What makes me most angry about this statement is that it is the prejudiced, closed-minded leaders in our state Senate that lead the pack. Forget the 57% of North Carolinians who support gay marriage and civil unions.

You know when North Carolina gets to vote on this?

May 12, 2012. The day of the Republican Primaries.

The most ironic part of this is the deterioration of marriage in this country. In 2009, it is reported that there were 36,708 divorces in the state of North Carolina. That's 100.5 divorces every day.

Every day, 100.5 men are leaving their wives. 100.5 women are walking away from their husbands. 100.5 families are being torn apart.

But how dare we let two people, regardless of gender, try to reverse this by proving their love for one another. As my friend Rachel pointed out this is not a religious fight. This is a deeply personal fight for millions of people who are God-loving people. Love is love. Atheists are capable of loving just as passionately as even the most fervent Christians. Who are we to say they are not allowed to do so just because they love someone of the same sex? Regardless of whether or not you "believe homosexuality is a sin," you are denying the basic principle on which this country was founded - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for every single person.

I am a Christian. I go to church every Sunday (because, sadly, this is all it takes to prove to most how "strong" of a Christian I am). But this is not a Christian nation. If God blesses America, so too does God bless Mexico and China and Iran and Libya. We are to uphold the basic rights of our citizens and when we neglect to honor their right to be happy, we neglect what our country is founded on.

To any of my LGBTQ friends who may be reading this, move away from North Carolina. Support another state's local economy for no other reason other than they support you. You are loved somewhere, and I am heartbroken that it is not the state in which I was raised. You deserve better than what North Carolina is offering you.

and a second is like it...

2011-05-02T14:50:00.004-04:00

"'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it, 'love your neighbor as yourself.'" -Matthew 22:37-39 (NRSV)

Who is our neighbor? Growing up, Mr. and Mrs. Brown were on one side of my house and Mr. and Mrs. Broom were on the other. This was my naive, elementary understanding of neighbor. They were my neighbors simply because of the location of our houses: 349, 351, and 353 7th Ave Place NW. But now? Who is our neighbor? I guess Mexico and Canada are our geographical neighbors. I have some crazy Eastern Europeans who live across from me in our apartment complex. But who did Jesus mean? I bet he meant gay people, those inflicted with HIV/AIDS and Malaria, those who are homeless, the elderly...are you uncomfortable yet? You mean I have to love them? What if he meant, dare I say it, Osama bin Laden.

Gasp. Please, take a seat if you need to. Jesus knocks us off our feet quite frequently with the things he says. "Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do." These people are screw ups, God...but it's not their fault. Show them your love anyway. And are we not called to be like Jesus? Doesn't "Christian" mean "little Christ"? Put Jesus's words in your mouth and speak them from your own heart. Really. Do it. "Forgive them, Father." Through Christ, we have the power to forgive. What an immense blessing...but too, what a tormenting curse. With this power comes great responsibility - isn't that always the case. Do we really have to forgive everyone? Not only forgive them, but LOVE them.

"Hate the sin, love the sinner." Have you heard that one? It's so catchy. But, in my experience, sin is a part of who we are. If we love the sinner, and don't love (even hate) the sin...isn't there a little part of the sinner themselves that we hate? We must love their whole being - including all their baggages of sin. Do you love yourself? After all, aren't we all sinners? So, we need to forgive (to LOVE) the gay population, the elderly, the children, the homeless...hold on, here we go again, Osama bin Laden.

When I was born, I was not just born into America, I was born into Christianity (literally, it's my last name). It is part of who I am just as much as being an American. Call me unpatriotic, call me blasphemous, call me a terrible American. That's fine. It's all opinion...just like this blog. I still remember September 11th. Admittedly, I was young and stupid and didn't understand its devastation until years later, but this doesn't mean I am not still impacted by it. My heart still aches for those families whose dad's favorite chair still sits empty every night in their dens, for those children who will never get to experience their mother's love, for those siblings who no longer have a brother or sister to call to share exciting news with. But, as a Christian, my heart also breaks for the death of bin Laden. He was a child of God just as much as you and I are.

My charge to us is this: Let's think first about what we're celebrating. Are we celebrating being a step closer to peace (even though one step isn't much compared to thousands of miles)? Or are we celebrating the death of a child of God? Which would Jesus celebrate...think about it.

Meditations on Good Friday

2011-04-22T12:28:00.003-04:00

I was up until 4:30 Wednesday night, or I guess Thursday morning, studying for a test I had yesterday. One of the topics we were tested on was the social setting and main theme in Hebrews. The author of this message wrote to these people, many of who were new converts to Christianity, encouraging them not to return to Judaism. As I read the following passage this evening, I want to challenge you to hear it with new ears. Hear it from the perspective of a brand new Christian, struggling to live a completely new way of life:

HEBREWS 10:16-25: ‘This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, says the Lord: I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds’,  he also adds, ‘I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.’  Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin.

Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh), and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

What peace this message must have brought….but also, what challenge. “Let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith,” the author encourages, but I can’t help but imagine that was probably easier said than done. Easier said than done because it was all so new to these people. It would have been easy to stay a Jew; to follow through with the habits and customs of a lifetime spent practicing that faith. Admittedly, I’m making a few assumptions in stating these claims, but I don’t think they’re too far-fetched. I think if we all really thought about converting from Christianity to Islam or Buddhism, we would probably struggle too.

But isn’t that the theme of tonight? Struggle? It’s easy to read this passage at face value and accept it as an encouragement and hope for a better future with Jesus, but it’s also easy to do that with Good Friday. I’m not trying to discourage us from looking forward to Easter. After all, without Easter (as Frederick Buechner says) there would be no New Testament, no Church, no Christianity. But without Good Friday, we wouldn’t have any contrast to such a miraculous event. It is through Good Friday that we gain a true perspective of Easter Sunday. It is in the struggle, in the pain, and in the trial where we learn to understand what a blessing Easter morning really is.

So, yes, let’s heed the author’s advice in the message to the new Christians: let us have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering. But let us do so with the understanding of struggle. Just as it was hard for these people to accept a new way of life as Christians, so too was it hard for Jesus to forsake his life completely in order to give birth to Christianity through resurrection.

Easter morning, new life, joy, and celebration are just around the corner – and when it comes, let’s rejoice. But let’s pay attention to the struggle tonight.

so I have this problem...

2011-03-06T20:05:00.002-05:00

...but before I explain, let me admonish one and all that this blogpost probably won't be applicable to many of you, and even fewer of you will care. It kind of goes against everything I usually represent cause I'm not usually a girly girl, so grant me this moment.

Anyway, the problem is called, "I lack the ability to express my own emotions because I want to use other people's waxing, poetic lyrics or words." Sounds complicated, huh? It's a serious condition. And it is one with which I have been suffering for years now. I mean, really. I can find lyrics or quotes that apply to every situation in my life and I'm both a little impressed and a little depressed. It is both a virtue and a vice.

Even now, as I sit here writing this, my mind is full of ramblings from movies and songs that are perfect for this scenario. For example, "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" This quote comes from no other than You've Got Mail, one of my favorite movies that I can quote at the drop of a hat; except, for me, it's so much of what I hear in songs. Or another example: the lyrics from 3x5 by John Mayer, "maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words." I'm always in the mood to lose my way with words...just not my own.

Every night before I go to bed, I search for 30 minutes for lyrics to tweet. Really? 30 minutes? That is pitiful, Mary Kate. No matter what is going on in my life; single or in a relationship, happy or sad. But, once I find those perfect lyrics or that ideal quote that explains how I feel to a tee, I feel so accomplished. This is probably pitiful too, but at least I admit it, right?

I guess I decided to write this blog when I was talking with my best friend the other day and said this to him: "I'm tired of living life through someone else's words. I need someone to direct my own at...directly." I'm all about support of women's rights, and equal opportunities for women, and men and women being equal in relationships, but this, in no way, lessens my desire to be with some (preppy beyond belief, funny, slightly badass) guy. Call me silly if you want, I don't care...I'm just being real.

Thank you for listening to me be a stereotypical girl. This will happen again in a few months. And so until then, to end this post, I will quote Jason Mraz in "You and I"..."well I'm almost finally, finally out of words..."

do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly

2011-02-01T17:05:00.005-05:00

As I sit here, warm and comfortable in my bed in an apartment I can pay for with (relative) ease, with a kitchen stocked full of food, I can't help but to be grateful. My mind drifts and I think about the millions of people around this world who have never known this comfort that I feel. The title of this update comes from the ever popular Micah 6:8. The full verse is this:

He has told you, O mortal, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?

Doing what is good and doing what the Lord requires. If these aren't two very good goals to strive to attain, I don't know what is. I know I am not always the best at these three principles, but I can't help but imagine how much better our world would be if we all tried just a little harder.

Since coming to Atlanta, social justice has become not only a prevalent topic of conversation in the classroom/among my peers, but also in my own life. If you've read any of my posts, you've read some of my frustrations with wanting to be able to do more and further God's kingdom...and how do I do that? Well maybe all it takes is a little doing of justice, loving of kindness, and walking in humility with a God that is more just, loving, and powerful than I dare try to express.

I realize living out this verse is much easier said than done. For some, that may mean they don't necessarily believe in "social justice"...but for me, it means I don't feel capable. But here is what I do know: I know that oppression is one of the nastiest afflictions our world faces; I know that any type of inequality is a type of injustice; I know that God created all people; and I also know God loves all people...so how dare we not follow suit? Until someone proves to me that there is reason to do otherwise, I will love, fight, and stand up for the oppressed. Because, as Desmond Tutu says, "if you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor" and I refuse to be considered someone who prevents another human being, another creation of God, from feeling loved and cared for.

Wonderful God of all (black, white, male, female, gay, straight, young, old, tall, short) creation, Enable me to further justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with you. It is not always easy, but I thank you for that. Enable those, too, who are oppressed. Strengthen them to hold on long enough to see love...if not from the entire world, at least from one person. Amen.

Nations proclaim him their Lord and their Savior, but Mary will hold him and sing him to sleep...

2010-12-05T22:22:00.002-05:00

"This is the irrational season, when love blooms bright and wild.

Had Mary been filled with reason, there'd have been no room for the child."

-Madeline L'Engle

In my opinion, this is one of the most beautifully eloquent and true statements that summarizes the Christmas season. Think about it. What if Mary had just said, "No. That's ridiculous, Gabe. I just don't think I have time to harbor and bear the savior of the world, but thanks for the offer!" Of course, she, like any normal human, was astounded and confused but eventually, she consented and said, (and I know this line very well...I played Mary in the Nativity Story at church for like 5 years growing up) "Be it unto me according to thy word."

Be it unto me according to thy word. Another translation offers this wording: "may it be done to me according to your word." Yet another example of giving up control. How much more blatant could this theme possibly be in my life? And how grateful I am that it is during advent that I am learning this. Advent: the time of anticipation for the coming of Christ the child...of waiting for the God incarnate baby...the days in which Christians everywhere sit, wait, and prepare. So, that's what I should do.

Sometimes I am too filled with reason. I don't leave room for God...I don't leave room for the child. For now, I should embrace irrationality. Like Mary, maybe I should throw caution to the wind. I hope I can learn to wait...with patience. Not with anxiety or frustration...but with baited breath and excitement. I pray for this not just during this season of the liturgical calandar specifically revolving around anticipation, but I pray for this every day. I hope I will seek this as sincerely on June 15th as much as I do today, December 5th (after all, Jesus wasn't actually born in December anyway.)

God, teach me to wait patiently for your arrival...today and every day. Show me how to embrace the irrationality of this season and of your love. Allow me to make room for your son...Christ our redeemer who sleeps on the hay in a dirty, lowly manger. Amen.

2010-11-21T20:41:00.001-05:00

Life is full of unpredictability and change. The worst part about this? No one can control it. I realize this is a common theme in my blogs. But I think this may be the first time I've actually admitted that I cannot be in control all the time. And this is also one time that I have never felt so out of control.

Sure, there are things I can control. I can control my grades in my efforts to do work. I can control my sleep patterns and the cleanliness of my apartment. But there are many things I cannot control. I cannot control injustice in the world. I cannot control my desire for love in my life. I cannot control the actions of people in my life that have a dramatic impact on my life. And each one of these leaves me turning back to unpredictability and change.

Over the past two weeks, various aspects of my life have been turned upside down, shaken around, and turned into more unpredictability and change than I have ever experienced. But through all of it, God has been faithful. God has put people in my life who have offered hugs, smiles, and words of encouragement. But it has also made me realize that it is okay to be upset and angry. Maybe going through tough times...unpredictability and change as the case may be...can bring us closer to God. I don't say this to mean that it is okay to hate God and turn away from God forever, but I do mean that working through difficulty and anger and sadness and fear can bring us into the presence of God in a way that any other everyday activities can't. I feel that God can reveal Godself to us through hurt and sadness and pain just as well as God can through joy and excitement and happiness.

Christianity encourages us to focus on the positive and to view God as the God who resurrects. And yes, I realize that the resurrection is the point of Christianity...but let us not forget the betrayal, and fear, and tears of blood...not to mention the cross. Jesus made pain and fear real and proved his humanity more in the garden than anywhere else. So we are okay doing the same...as long as we remember the promise of resurrection and salvation on the other side.

In this hour of doubt I see/Who I am is not just me/

So give me strength to die myself/So love can live to tell the tale.

I don't mean for this to sound morbid and depressing. I hope that if you're reading this, nothing unpredictable is going on in your life that is causing upheaval...but if it is, I hope you can find comfort in the providence of our Creator God. The God who is with us in good times and in bad...and who may even be revealed incredibly clearly in those bad times. Peace be with you, dear friends. Peace be with us all.

Good Grief...

2010-10-27T12:57:00.001-04:00

It has been entirely too long since I've updated this. This one might be a doozy.

So, years ago, we used to start out our youth council meetings with 3 questions.

1) How have you pleased God today?

2) How have you displeased God today?

3) How is your soul?

My answers today are as follows:

1) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

2) I have no idea, and that scares me a little.

3) Confused, anxious, frustrated, excited, hopeful, lonely.

I realize that number 3 is really just a huge conglomeration of emotions...but that is how my soul is. That is the whole truth. The past few weeks in our spiritual formation class, we've been talking about our personality types. My Myers Briggs is an ESTJ, and it freaks me out how true it is (This is a pretty good description of my personality type: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ESTJ.html). But sometimes I don't want to be an ESTJ. I want to be able to feel things and be emotional about decisions. Sometimes, I want to be able to think and act with my heart rather than my head. In sitting here, typing this, I'm realizing that even my thoughts concerning this entry reflect the fact that my head leads my life.

My roommate talks about how she put off going to seminary for a long time because she didn't want to graduate feeling cynical about Christianity. I am a natural born cynic. I don't want to be. I think my cynicism has taken a toll my relationship with God and that frustrates me. I wish I had something I could blame this on, but really, I am the only reason. It's just how I think and how I react to things.

I always say, "I want to be better about praying and reading my bible and strengthening my relationship with God", but I have no idea how. I have to be told what to do and how to do it. I need step-by-step instructions. I'm too impatient and too extroverted to sit in my room in silence and read my bible. So how do I get personal spiritual nourishment? This is a battle I've been fighting for years now. And it frustrates me more than I can describe.

I want this to be my theme song:

"In your ocean I’m ankle deep

I feel the waves crashing on my feet

It’s like I know where I need to be I can’t figure out

No, I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe

When your wave crashes over me

There’s only one way to figure out

Will you let me drown"

Yes, I realize I am asking to drown. Yes, I realize I have severe control issues. Yes, I want to give that up. I sat on my bed this morning, crying, because this is what I need. SO HOW DO I MAKE IT HAPPEN?! I don't know. I secede. I apologize for how serious this blog is.

Loving and Understanding God, please soften my heart. Take away my cynicism. Help me give up control. It hasn't gotten me anywhere except to a point of exhaustion. Please, God, consume me and strengthen me in your will. Amen.

a whole new world...

2010-09-01T16:32:00.002-04:00

No, this isn't in reference to the song made famous by Aladdin and Jasmine, it is in reference to my whole new world. Since my last blog, I've moved to Atlanta and have begun my studies as a graduate student. Saying goodbye to home was hard. I told Chris goodbye 3 times. I cried really hard when my parents left...and cried, in fact, every day for 4 days (but, I warned you about that one - see my post from June 2...ha!).

At first, I was very skeptical about life in Atlanta. I grew up in Hickory (population of 41,000+) and moved to Mars Hill (population of 1,800+)...and here I am in Atlanta (population of half a million+). Half a million people?! But here's what I didn't realize...how cute the part of town would be where I'm living! It's on the outskirts of Atlanta...so it's essentially it's own little city. And reminds me a lot of Hickory. Every night, crickets lull me to sleep outside my window, and during the day, giant oak and pine trees cool our patio. It's beautiful. I've made incredible friends. My roommate is wonderful. I love my classes. God is good.

I feel it necessary to talk about the peace I've experienced. Even when my parents left, I was sad (obviously), but I knew that this is where I'm supposed to be. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. God has shown me so many fabulous things since I've moved down here. I've found a church family who loves me. I've found friends who are like me. I have interest in every one of my classes. I have peace. And I thank God for that. And I can't wait to see what else God has in store.

Denominational Dichotomy

2010-08-08T21:04:00.001-04:00

The title of this blog post sounds very negative and it is not at all intended to be. For the last year or so I've been struggling with this one topic I'm about to discuss and it has really come into light the past few days. Let me provide some exposition:

For those of you who may not know, I was raised Baptist. As far as "baptist-dom" goes, the church in which I was raised is pretty liberal. You know, supporting women in ministry, encouraging individual interpretation of the bible, etc. A great experience, overall...for the first 17 years of my life. Well, while in college, I was a scholarship recipient to sing in the choir in a Methodist church. I loved this church, I still do. The monthly check became more of a bonus than a payment for work.

Now, Baptists and Methodists have different ideology , obviously (i.e. baptism, confirmation, hierarchy in the church). I think it is also safe to say that Methodists are renown for their welcoming, accepting attitude toward everyone. After all, their slogan is: "Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors." This is not to say that Baptists have closed hearts, closed minds, and closed doors (although, sadly, some of them do)...but they are not as excited about exclaiming it. The slogan of the Baptist church in which I was raised is, "Sunday...it's just the beginning." Clever. But doesn't exactly scream, "Come on in, we love the gays!"

Now, let me get on with the dichotomous nature to which the title speaks. The following 3 statements are each contributing to my confusion in their own way:

1. "In my personal theology, the only people who won't be in heaven are the ones who don't want to be." - Pastor Susan Pilsbury-Taylor (Minister at Biltmore United Methodist Church)

2. "Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me' (John 14:6). He didn't say that it was by believing or doing anything in particular that you could 'come to the Father.' He said that it was only by him--by living, participating in, being caught up by, the way of life that he embodied, that was his way. Thus is it possible to be on Christ's way and with his mark upon you without ever having heard of Christ, and for that reason to be on your way to God though maybe you don't even believe in God. A Christian is one who is on the way, though not necessarily far along it, and who has at least some dim and half-baked idea of whom to thank." - Frederick Buechner (Theologian)

3. "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' " - John 14:6 (NRSV)

And there is the conundrum. Who is right? And, really...why does someone have to be right? Do I believe what my Methodist minister stated (which I had already wrestled with before the words came out of her mouth)? Because, when it comes down to it, I believe that God created everyone and loves everyone...so how does he prevent people from entering eternal bliss? Unless, like Suze says, they just don't want to. I just have a hard time believing God denies perfectly ethical, faithful Jews (and to be honest, Muslims, Buddhists, etc....God made them too, ya know) access to Heaven.

Does anyone have answers? Probably not. But if you do, please feel free to let me know. Thanks!

greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in John's Island...

2010-07-17T15:13:00.001-04:00

Yes, I realize it's been a month. Yes, I realize the past few haven't been too exciting. And yes, I did it on purpose. Kind of. Okay, actually not at all. But this one promises to be a good update.

Yesterday at this time, I would have been sitting around a small classroom talking, laughing, and spending quality time with 21 ladies, 21 air mattresses, and 21 suitcases packed with a weeks worth of construction and worship clothes. Maybe we would have all been napping, but either way, it would have been quality time. And that was just one room...

We took 151 people to John's Island, SC for our mission trip this past week. We were not supposed to go there. We were supposed to go to Chicago. I remember the day I learned the news. I got a facebook message from Chris and all it said was, "We lost Chicago". My heart sank a little. I was extremely excited about going to Chicago. I accepted it because, as hard as it is for me to admit sometimes, God is in control. John's Island, SC. Where the heck is John's Island, SC?! What is there to do down there?! These are just some of the thoughts that went through my mind. The answers: near Charleston; and...plenty.

The following stories are stories that either I heard from my fellow workers or experienced myself.

Story 1: Mary Brown, double amputee.

Ms. Brown had been on the waiting list for 18 years to have her house, trailer actually, worked on. For 18 years, she had wheeled around her trailer with doorways that were too small for her wheelchair. To use the bathroom, she had to throw herself onto the ground, crawl into the bathroom, and pull herself up to the toilet. This past week, a crew of about 10 people widened her doorway. One afternoon, a group gathered around to witness her roll her wheelchair through the door of the bathroom in her trailer for the first time in 18 years.

Story 2: Robert, 3rd grader.

Robert is a little boy who I did not have very much contact with. He is a 3rd grader who attended the Vacation Bible School. Rebekah was lucky enough to work with him and be his experience with Jesus. One day, I walked into the sanctuary of the church, just passing through, and he was sitting in there talking to her, crying. I asked her if everything was okay, and she said, "He just needs someone to talk to." Robert gets called stupid. Robert does not have any friends. Robert does not go to church. Robert had a prayer request on the last day of VBS, "I want to thank God for Rebekah", he said. Thank God for Rebekah, indeed. God put her there for a reason. Robert saw God in her last week.

St0ry 3: Robert, 7-year-old.

This (different) Robert became my mission for the week. Robert is a precious, precious creation of God who is autistic. The theme of the week for VBS was Camp E.D.G.E. (Experience and Discover God Everywhere) and the mascot was Sparx, a lively fox puppet (puppeteered brilliantly by Hannah). Robert, who had little desire to talk to or be around anyone, loved Sparx. He called him Mr. Fox. Wednesday was a bad day for Robert. He refused to talk to anyone, even Mr. Fox. On Thursday, Robert was a new person. You see, throughout the week, Robert made every single one of his crafts and gave them to Mr. Fox. The only thing he wanted to do on Thursday was give Mr. Fox the necklace I helped Robert put together. Hannah, ever so patiently, agreed to be Mr. Fox one last time for Robert. The look on Robert's face when I told him Mr. Fox was going to wake up from his nap to talk to Robert was as clear an image of God as I have seen in a long time. All Robert wanted to do was give Mr. Fox that necklace. Once this took place, Robert said "Goodnight, Mr. Fox!" And that was it. Robert has a heart of gold that the rest of the world finds hard to understand. But Mr. Fox got it. And Robert did too. That, dear friends, is the face of God.

According to our standards, we were not supposed to go to John's Island, but God knew. God knew, we just couldn't see God's plan until it unfolded. God had a greater plan for us and God has a greater plan for those in John's Island. My heart aches for those who still suffer but it rejoices for those we helped.

God, bless those whose homes and hearts we changed. Bless those children and provide a way for the seeds we planted to be watered and nourished daily. Thank you, God, for this opportunity and for the better plan you had for us.

"I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.

I'll follow you into the world.

Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God.

I'll follow you into the world."

It's not about me...

2010-06-19T16:46:00.000-04:00

So, this past week, I was with my middle schoolers from the youth group down at Garden City Beach Camp in Garden City, SC. It was a phenomenal week. We had 4 of our kids accept Christ for the first time and others to make decisions to make their relationship with God better. I love beach camp.

I'm not very much myself when I'm at beach camp. But it's a good thing. Let me explain to you what it's like...because many of you probably wouldn't believe me when I say I love it. Our bedrooms are rooms with 10 sets of bunk beds (20 beds total). Many of my male friends probably would not fit in them. The bathrooms have 3 showers, 3 toilets, and 3 sinks. This sounds like a lot, but when you have 20 girls in one room all trying to get ready for worship at the same time, it seems like half as many as you need. Every morning, we get up, and have breakfast and go to worship. For me, a shower is not in my morning agenda (very out of character) because I have just taken one the night before for worship. During the afternoons, we have free time. I hate sand, but I spend pretty much every afternoon at the beach. Free time is from 1-5 and I'm usually at the beach from 1-4. In the other hour, I hang out with the other kids back at the house and getting ready for dinner.

After morning worship, the kids go to their classes and, this past week, Trevor, Lyndsay, and I all taught a class on how to handle conflict. I've taught a class every year for the past 4 years, and this year, one of the classes was, without a doubt, the best class I've ever had. The content was great, but what made it so wonderful was the kids. They were very willing to participate and share stories. They admitted to having had issues with conflict in the past and we worked on things and talked stuff out together. On the first day, we decided that the overarching theme of the week was "it's not about me...". When involved in conflicts, if we can just remember "it's not about me", we will probably end up happier.

I think what I learn most every week is that the key to living a satisfying life is simplicity. When I'm there, I don't have a computer, I don't have a television, I have my phone but barely use it...and I'm happy. So if I try to add the selflessness notion mentioned above, maybe things will be even better. As much as I hate to admit it, it's so much easier to live like this while I'm down there. It's because I'm forced (as bad as it sounds) to read my bible, spend time with God, and pray. I'm trying to keep it a habit. We leave tomorrow for round 2 with the high schoolers. I'm excited to see God again...and hoping to see God when I get back too...

Feels like Home to me...

2010-06-02T23:32:00.000-04:00

Wow. I've taken entirely too long to update my blog. For those 3 avid followers I have, I sincerely apologize. For everyone else, get over it. ha! Only kidding...

So, you may have noticed that the tone of this posts title is much more uplifting than that of my last one. It may be partially because nothing really feels like home and that song is just in my head, or it could also be that I am settling down into a routine even with half my life still boxed up in the corner. Since my last post, I have found a place to live in Atlanta. That weekend was filled with many emotions. I was mainly incredibly overwhelmed...I am incredibly overwhelmed. The fact that I will be paying for my own place really freaks me out. As much as I hate to admit it, I will miss my parents so badly being 4 hours away from them, that I will probably cry...and cry and cry and cry.

But, in all of it, I keep reminding myself, God has a reason. There is a reason that 2 years ago I went on a mission trip to Buffalo, NY when I had no desire. There is a reason that God spoke to me that week and told me to follow. There is a reason that I received an incredible scholarship and have met incredible people at this McAfee place. There is a reason. Yet, still, I'm a doubting Thomas. One day, it will all be made clear...and until then, there is a reason.

"He makes all things good

there’s a time to live and a time to die
a time for wonder and to wonder why
cause

there is a reason."

So 2 days ago, I started my internship. I love this internship. Most of the time. Sometimes Chris (the youth minister, my boss) can be an absolute tool. I mean, to the point that I want to punch him and cry. Sometimes he pisses me off so much because he knows exactly when to call my bluffs. But then there are times...times that I'm reminded that there's a reason.

I found an email from him a few days ago that reminded me of this story. My senior year in high school, Chris asked me to preach for youth sunday. Looking back, I should have been way more honored than I was. I wrote this sermon after many weeks of deliberating on a topic and I emailed it to him. The next day I got that email from him and in it, he enumerated his praise and told me that it would have rivaled the sermons written by graduate students in his preaching class. I'm not trying at all to toot my own horn, but what he said to me made me feel so good because he was proud of me. At the heart of it was pride. I'm not sure that there are many people (outside my family) that have been as proud of me and make me feel so good about myself as Chris does. For example, Chris drove from Hickory to Mars Hill to see me walk across the stage to receive my diploma. He found me afterward and gave me a huge hug, told me how proud of me he was, and left. He drove, round trip 3 hours, to see probably 3 minutes of "me time". Maybe that's just being a good youth minister, but to me, that's a great friend. I'll never forget the day that he helped me move into my dorm my freshman year in college, he was leaving and I was going down with him to say goodbye and on the elevator I started tearing up and he looked at me and said, "There's no crying in baseball." I still cried, but just the fact that he was there for me that day meant so much to me. Chris is, without a doubt, one of the best mentors, leaders, and friends I have ever had. So, yeah, now that this internship has started, things are starting to feel more like home. So, if you read this Chris, just know that I appreciate everything you do...for me, and for everyone. Thanks for reminding me, more times than many people would believe, that there is a reason....

"I'm a wanderer I have no place or time..."

2010-05-12T10:35:00.000-04:00

So here I am, a college graduate. Nothing feels different. It's like when you have a birthday and people say to you, "do you feel different now that you're 13?...16?...21?" and, even though each of these represent a milestone in its own right, the truth is, I never felt any different. I feel the same now. I felt the same on Saturday, graduation day, as I did the day I walked into my first dorm room when I was a mere 17 years old.

The only thing I feel now is frustration. As my entire life sits boxed up in a corner of our dining room, the only thing I feel now is frustration. This place, this house where I grew up, where I split my head open on the chair railing when I was 6, this place is supposed to be home. And, don't tell my mother, but this just isn't home anymore. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my bedroom has now been turned into the guest bedroom, or the fact that renovations have been done while I've been in school. But either way, I feel so "in between", so nomadic.

Now, I know I should be grateful for all the opportunities. There are many people who don't have the chance to go and be and find new homes; and some have the chance, but not on their own accord. I should be excited that my life is packed up in boxes waiting to go on to my next adventure, and I'm sure my aggravation will subside, but for now it's so frustrating! It is like my life is literally looming over me, staring at me, beckoning me to do something...and I just want to yell back, "I can't do anything! You, my life, are all packed up with no where to go!" I want to go straight to Atlanta. But I know that if I do that, I will be skipping an important part of my life. This summer has a reason and has a purpose, and, no matter how frustrating it is, I have to live it. I need to be happy for it and look forward to it. And for now, the best I can do is try...

here we are and there we go...

2010-05-02T23:54:00.000-04:00

I graduate from college in 6 days. 6 days. That's it. In 6 days, I embark on a new journey. I am scared and excited and sad and overwhelmed. I know that this is how it is supposed to be. This is the plan that God has for my life, but I've become so comfortable where I am. I was meant to spend 4 years here, and I have done that. My life must continue. Mars Hill has become my home.

I've always considered home to be the place where you have most of your memories, most of your friends, and the place where you leave most of your heart, and, for right now, that place is Mars Hill. There is something about the way the entire campus turns bright orange and red in October, and the way it turns into a cornucopia of color in March...but, most of all, there's something about the way a professor from a freshman year gen. ed. course still remembers your name when you see him in the cafeteria. That, my friends, is home.

Home, to me, is a place where one can grow and struggle and cry and laugh and change. Most of all of those, I have changed. I never like embracing change, in fact, I tend to be quite opposed to it, but the changes that have taken place in me have made me a better person. I love not because I am supposed to, but because I need to. I care not because someone in Sunday School told me to, but because I want to. I give not because it's "the right thing to do" but because my time and money cannot be better spent otherwise. That, my friends, is home.

The love that I have experienced on this campus has taught me how to love. My brilliant roommate wrote an incredible facebook note all about love. About seeing God in people's character, not in the celestial greatness above us. I like to think of God as being synonymous with upper-case "L" love. God is Love. I have learned to see Love in the eyes of a homeless man when I give him my carry-out that I probably wasn't going to eat anyway...I have learned to see Love in the eyes of the drug addicted men and women attending church and finding peace outside of dependency. So much of this newly acquired vision is because of Mars Hill. That, my friends, is home.

It is hard to say, but we are merely nomads in this life. In 6 days I'll move on to a new home. Somewhere else where I can learn and grow and change into someone even better, even greater. But, I can guarantee, that none of that could happen without the foundation that Mars Hill has created. To all my friends, professors, and colleagues, thank you. You, my friends, are home.

it's been a while, old friend.

2010-04-13T23:55:00.001-04:00

For Lent this year, I gave up my computer. This included facebook, blogging, anything outside of educational purposes (I'm taking an online class). I did really well, for the most part. I read some great books and learned some important things. I also finished student teaching. My student teaching experience was beyond anything I ever expected. I loved every minute of it. As much as I hated waking up at 6 AM every day, and as close as I came to falling asleep behind the wheel on the way to school, I absolutely looked forward to every day. It really confirmed my desire to teach.

Yet, somehow, through all this time and change, I find myself still wanting to grow and do and be more in the presence of God and God's ministry. Frustration.

Time is passing, and each day brings me closer and closer to life as a seminary student. Part of me is so excited and anxious to move, and part of me is scared to hell. The people I have met are wonderful, and I hear the friendships you make in divinity school are unlike those anywhere else because you are all fighting the same fight. I just had a really great discussion with one of the students entering with me and, after it, I can truly say with confidence (as if I didn't have enough already), that I cannot wait to begin.

Here I am, Lord. Where do I go from here? It's hard to listen, but I'm trying every day. Forgive me when I don't.

We've gotta hold up the mirror, and share in the blame...

2010-02-07T14:01:00.000-05:00

So the church that I usually go to (Biltmore United Methodist) was cancelled today because of the ice, which was actually a blessing in disguise. I don't often get to visit other churches because I work at Biltmore and sing in the choir. Today, Sarah McCoy and I went to Mars Hill Baptist and, overall, it was a great service. We took communion and the litany that we read really got my attention:

"How can we eat our bread when we know there are others, far away, who are hungry? How can we drink our juice when we think of our brothers and sisters whose mouths are parched for lack of clean water? When Jesus first offered this meal to his disciples, it was to enlist them in the final suffering and victory: not to deny that bad things happen to good people, but to say that we share in everything we have, and everything that happens to us. We come to this table today to do exactly that - to remind ourselves that we are inextricably part of all the things and people of creation, of the seed and grade that grew into this meal, of the men and women and children who labor to rebuild their homes and their lives on the other side of the world. Let us not hold back, but join them. As you bless this meal, God, bless us too - make us a living meal, our substance and our attention in prayer poured out for your many children who are struggling this day. Hold us together in the invisible communion of the spirit."

The parts that I put in bold really spoke to me. This whole litany reminds me of the Caedmon's Call song "Share in the Blame":

Don’t blame your brother for the color of his skin
don’t blame your neighbor for the house he lives in
from the same cloth, we are made of, we are just the same
you gotta hold up the mirror and share in the blame

I want to be a part of something great and I want to do great things, but I don't know how. Either that or I feel like my efforts are all in vain because they "aren't enough". Today on CBS Sunday Morning (one of my favorite shows), there was a story about a girl who really took action. In the same 50 yard area, she saw a homeless man, and a man driving a luxury car. She said, "If that man didn't have such a nice car and had spent the money elsewhere, that homeless man may have something to eat and drink." This inspired her entire family. They sold their house (worth over a million dollars) and moved to a smaller house a few blocks away and donated all the excess money ($800,000) to a charity. They went to Africa and opened a corn mill for local women and their donation is aiding in the building of a medication facility.

I know that I don't have a million dollar house to sell, but I just want to know what I can do! I feel trapped because I don't know how to act...I literally do not know what actions I can take that will satiate my desire to "do".

Great and Loving God, what can I do to further your cause? How can I become more a part in the "invisible communion of the spirit"? Please direct me...please direct us all...

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do....

2010-01-24T15:59:00.001-05:00

So, today's sermon at church was all about love. And after all of the devastation in Haiti, I got to thinking about the phenomenal amounts of love our country has shown to them. I also got to thinking about some of the remarks some of my "fellow brothers and sisters" in Christ have said about all of the aforementioned devastation.

"They were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.' True story. And so the devil said, 'Ok it’s a deal.' And they kicked the French out. The Haitians revolted and got something themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another," Robertson said.

In my minimal research, I found a website that discusses the history of France and Haiti. According to this website, there was tension between France and the French Colony of Saint Dominigue (which is present day Haiti) due to slavery. The slaves made pacts with Britain and Spain and, eventually, there was a threat of British and Spanish invasions, so France abolished slavery and the former slaves continued the revolt until they could finally declare themselves independent in 1804. Now, I know I may not be blessed with the spiritual gift of reading between the lines, but this doesn't sound too different from any of the other revolts that have occurred in any of the other hundreds of countries around the world, and I certainly don't see any mention of pact-making with the devil. I would also like to throw in that, although many websites do confirm that voodoo is a large part of worship in Haiti, 85% of the country is Roman Catholic.

I would also like to throw out there the fact that my God is not a vengeful God. I do not believe that God would do this to "get back" at the people of Haiti because they worship in an alternative way. Just the same way God did not cause Hurricane Katrina to go through New Orleans's French Quarter because of all the promiscuity that goes on there (because, after all, the French Quarter was almost untouched). I am not saying that God did not cause the earthquake or hurricane to happen, but I do not believe God caused them to happen out of shear vengeance. I do not believe that God is punishing those afflicted for things they have done because, if that is the case, I should not be sitting here typing this blog post. I just get so frustrated when people blame God for things they themselves cannot control. What kind of love does that show?

I pray that God lays a hand of healing and of peace on the people of Haiti. A hand that only the God of justice and love can lay - because the Haitians are my brothers and sisters too. I will love them through their anguish just as I will love those, who make comments like that above, through their ignorance.

growing up is hard to do...

2010-01-11T21:35:00.000-05:00

"I shall never grow up; make believe is much too fun." -Eisley

If only...I begin my student teaching on Thursday which is kind of scary. Reality has yet to set in though - regardless of the fact that I spent 7 hours training today and the fact that I've been in email correspondence with my "cooperating teacher" as the educational field calls it. I feel like it was yesterday that I was the high schooler giving my student teacher a hard time...and I do not feel prepared to face all of those "me's" (you know the smart ass cynics who think they're way better than anyone...) that I'm sure to encounter.

Anyway, I was driving back up to school yesterday listening to one of the old caedmon's call cds and was reminded how much I love them! If you don't know of them, check them out. There's one song in which they paraphrase John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. [RSV]):

For You so loved the unlovable,

that You gave the ineffable.

That who so believes the unbelievable,

will gain the unattainable.

Even though I am a linguistic nerd and thoroughly enjoy depth and critical thinking when it comes to texts, I think the reason I like this so much is because it is so simple. We are unloveable. Jesus is ineffable. Eternal life, without the ineffable, is unattainable. Incredible. Just because God loved us. Ineffable (according to my handy dandy built-in dictionary on my computer) is defined as "too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words". Wow. Did you know that in Webster's Dictionary, there are over 315,000 words...and not one of them can describe what God did for us. Incredible. I think there comes a point that even the most scholarly among us have no words, and at that moment we must "be still and know" that God is God. Be still. Just shut up with our powerful words (all 315,000+ of them)...and know that God is God. Sometimes that's hard. Especially for me.

I think this semester of student teaching will be great for me. I'm looking forward to the many lessons I will learn. I've been told about domestic violence...and drug use...but I've never seen it up front. Part of me hopes I do this semester. I need to experience different aspects of life that I haven't considered. I'm ready and willing to accept the challenge. Here we go...

New Year, New Post

2010-01-04T09:44:00.001-05:00

I say "new year, new post" as if that's the reason I haven't written. Truth is, I just have slacked off. I know all you avid followers are disappointed, and I'm sorry. (ha!)

I'm starting a book that was recommended to me by Tony Spencer, a great mentor of mine. It's called "Jessie". He recommended it in response to my desire to live a life inspired and I'm very excited to see how it is.

My sister had a blog while she was in college and she experienced a lot of the same things I'm going through. This text that she made up really resounds with me:

I want to know you, Lord.
I want to know relief.
I want to know You love me.
Help my unbelief.

I don't think God wants us to be miserable. He doesn't want us to constantly doubt him, but I do think he wants us to doubt. How can we be absolutely sure of a God we didn't once doubt. My problem is that I gotten so caught up in doubting, that I even doubt in believing. It's a great frustration.

For today, this is all. I will try to be more attentive to my postings.

Some depth, some humor, some in between...

2009-12-28T00:33:00.000-05:00

So today was a great day. We got to church right at 10:50 for the 10:55 service, only to find out that the service had actually started at 10:30. The sermon was excellent though. It was all about how we are pure in heart and how God has forgiven us our sins - including the ones we have yet to commit. That is comforting. Obviously it shouldn't be permission to go out and sin, but it is "insurance" so that if it does happen, we're "covered" (did I just make a sappy biblical virtue/insurance reference...).

In my devotion from last night, I read about the different christian symbols for Jesus. Symbols such as the cross or communion, and how these symbols have the power to stir emotions that we did not know existed. As I think about this now, I am reminded of the worship service we had 2 years ago in Buffalo, NY on our mission trip. At the end of the week, the team leaders washed the hands of all of their workers - representative of Jesus' washing of the disciples' feet. I remember being so moved by this act and can only imagine how the disciples must have felt in the moment that Jesus, their Lord and Savior, was on his knees washing their feet.

Anyway, I say all of this to say that I am very glad I live for the God I live for. Ever forgiving and ever present. I just hope that I can do the same. When I don't hear from God, don't blame it on God, understand that I must find God in a different way; and the best way to do that is to be forever in a state of worship.

A little bit of holy, a whole lot of common place...

2009-12-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

Alright, so day 1 of life inspired. I'm trying to find God in the little things...but being such the "overanalyzer" that I am, it's kind of hard. Maybe the things that I think are silly, nothingness things are big deals to other people. For instance, today, I let a man pull out in front of me in a long line of cars...is that holy in the common place? Is that me being an imitation of Christ? See, I feel like those are just stupid little things that everyone should do, but maybe that's the problem. Maybe no one does them, so they are, indeed, "holy in the common place". I just wish I could feel better about them.

This has all made me think of the quote from St. Francis of Assisi:

"Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words."

In other words, do good. Act. Do. Be. Good. I also feel like I need affirmation. I think my "love language" is words of affirmation. I love getting letters, notes, or even facebook wall posts saying things like, "thanks for being you" because it makes me know that there are people who appreciate me. I know that it's stupid because there ARE people who appreciate me, but sometimes it's good to be reminded.

Those are my thoughts for today. They aren't very long, but it's my goal to post something every day. Hope you've had a good day.

Today: A Review

2009-12-25T21:49:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas! This post will probably not be as philosophical as the past two (if they've even been philosophical)...I'm trying to focus on the positive! As Sara Groves' lyrics say:

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed

It's my mission for 2010.

Anyway, today was a great day. One of the best Christmases, even amid the many idiosyncrasies in this year's schedule. Here is a list of the presents I got:

- NRSV Study Bible

- Bible Commentary

- New Strand of Pearls

- Monogrammed Umbrella

- Brown Snow Boots

- Balderdash

...and other knick-knacks and gadgets. After we opened presents, we had breakfast featuring the Christian family tradition of breakfast casserole. After 21 years of eating it, I've realized that I'm not so much a fan. I'm not so much a fan of casseroles in general. C'est la vie!

My mom wasn't in a very good mood this morning and I think it was because she was ashamed that she didn't have hundreds of dollars of presents for me...that's so silly. I wanted to remind her that the time that we spend together is so much more important than anything wrapped in overpriced wrapping paper that will eventually be ripped to shreds or than bows that took 15 minutes to construct and 15 seconds to destroy.

I'm also blessed to be able to spend time with both of my grandmothers - both of whom are in their 80's and have nothing to complain about other than slight hearing loss and tired knees. I pray that those are my only health issues when I'm 83 years old. I love them and they have both taught me so much in life, but I'm sure I will inevitably regret not spending more time with them. My paternal grandmother has a college education, is a world traveler, and missionary; my maternal grandmother is a retired librarian, fabulous cook, and fashionista. They are seemingly the antitheses of each other, but they both love me and their families all the same.

I've rambled, and it's nearing bedtime, and, after Iron Chef goes off, that's where I'll be going. I hope you enjoyed your Christmas as much as I enjoyed mine. I hope you enjoyed your family today as much as I enjoyed mine. And I hope you remembered Christ the baby, who today is all about.

Christmas...already?

2009-12-24T14:02:00.001-05:00

I cannot believe that it's Christmas. I don't know why, but it really snuck up on me this year. Maybe I just haven't been in the holiday spirit. It may also have something to do with the fact that this past semester was so stressful that now that I can finally sit and relax and meditate on the season, I lack the ability to do so. I wish that I could...I want to be able to fully enjoy the holidays.

In the time I have had to "get in the spirit", I have been reminded how much I love Christmas music that juxtaposes Christ the Child and Christ the Savior. This is especially popular in choir anthems that I have sung. One of my favorites is John Rutter's "Candlelight Carol":

How do you capture the wind on the water? How do you count all the stars in the sky?

How can you measure the love of a mother, or how can you write down a baby's first cry?

Shepherds and wisemen will kneel and adore him, Seraphim round him their vigil will keep;

Nations proclaim him their Lord and their Savior, but Mary will hold him and sing him to sleep.

Find him at Bethlehem laid in a manger: Christ our Redeemer asleep in the hay.

Godhead incarnate and hope of salvation: A child with his mother that first Christmas Day.

There is just something about the comparison of an innocent baby to the One who will save all of humanity that gives me chills...and hope. "Nations proclaim him their Lord and their Savior, but Mary will hold him and sing him to sleep." Mary knew of this extraordinary child to whom she had just given birth, but her first obligation was to love him as a mother...a plain, simple mother.

I wish I had the love of a mother for Jesus. It is more than just an obligatory love, it is a love conceived out of the inability to do anything else. I would like to love God out of the inability to do anything else, but I overanalyze it. It is more obligatory, at this point in my life. I love God because God is part of my life, but not because God IS my life. I have heard it said that the love a mother has for her child is a different kind of love than any other she has ever experienced...which is how Mary felt, she loved Jesus not because he was the "Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace", but because he was her baby.

I hope that I can find that kind of love for God. I am too much of an analytical being. I need proof before I buy into something. I am not one to take risks. In order to have the love for God that Mary had, though, I suppose I need to adopt her way of life: "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word." No questions, just commitment. I guess it also helps when you have a beaming angel standing in front of you saying, "Here's what's up...". That's the proof I need. But, until then...

look out world!

2009-12-23T14:06:00.002-05:00

So I’ve realized that over the past 4 years of being in school, I’ve lost sight of any hobbies I once had. I thought I would start a blog to give in to the insatiable desire for our society to be connected…and to give me something to do. And here I am!

I just finished Donald Miller’s newest book, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”. I am always blown away by how much I resonate with what he says in his books. I’d like to think he’s talking to me personally…like we’re sitting in a bar in Portland, OR drinking a blue moon (he would have something much more manly though, like a guinness) and he’s telling me his life story. But, alas, I am merely one of the millions sitting in their houses reading his book. One of my friends worked in Seattle this past summer and had a chance to meet one of his friends. We both hoped that meant one day we’d get to meet Don too; however, it has yet to come true. Sadly.

I don’t ever think my life is interesting enough to write about, and, honestly, I’ve always felt conceited keeping journals (virtual or not). I really want to go out and do things. I’d like to go to the West coast and jump in the Pacific Ocean. I really want to go on a road trip. But I don’t have the gumption or the know-how to get there. I’m also a big scaredy cat. Between you and me, sometimes I’m still afraid of the dark…why on earth would I think I can conquer the entire vastness of the United States during a road trip. Ugh.

In reading Don, Donald, Mr. Miller’s (I don’t know what to call him because after reading 4 of his books, I feel we’re old friends) new book, I’ve realized that I try too hard to understand God. That is an indefatigable feat that can never be accomplished. The way my brain works is to comprehend and figure out “things” on my own. I’ve never read the directions to a game or assembly directions to some complicated toy, I just dig right in and hope for the best. I think I do the same thing with God. I just jump in and tackle God and pray that I can understand what it is exactly that I’m doing here on this planet Earth. I’m never going to understand…so why can I not accept that? It is so incredibly frustrating. There must be some reason God made me this way…so do I stay the same, constantly letting myself down at my inability to comprehend The Incomprehensible; or do I fight with myself, with the way I’ve always been, to change to accept my lack of understanding? These are the questions that I wish God, in God’s booming-voiced glory, would yell out to me. But for now, I guess I’ll continue to wonder, and listen to the best of my ability.